my days go on and it seems my lust goes unchecked.

every day for some reason becomes a struggle and i still have yet to learn how to control this one little bit about me. this one bit that has led to so many fucking issues. so many fucking problems with control, with being a whore, with all of it. so many actions that part of me thinks i’ll get a partner or feel better…then only for it to get worse. every hookup, every parlor, every gay sex club, it’s the same thought. i feel gross, i feel disgusted, i wonder why i did that, and i consider my options…those usually being live with it as a punishment and run my thoughts and such into the ground (punishment through telling myself i’ll never be happy, i can never turn back, and that i will forever be a fucking piece of shit, no matter how hard i try to do better.)

i cant tell if it gets better or worse sometimes. my libido seems to remain the same, and only when im at my worst will some sort of countermeasure or whatever the fuck you want to call it – kick in. for example, i think this was the night i cut myself off from deerboi, that entire week i couldnt even feel pleasure. i felt like absolute shit. i continued thinking about deerboi doing just as i did. and to this day, i still do. i cant fucking stop thinking about him or Kaizen. i dont know what the fuck is going on. sure, my emotions are a bit better and i have more control, im not fucking sad all the time and most of the time my mood is “fuck it we ball, embrace the suck”, yada yada, but it doesnt make the fucking feelings of thinking about my previous partners/crushes with someone else or being degraded any worse. this is the shit that ends up becoming a kink/fetish as a part of fucking supreme levels of cope.

now im grasping at anything i can find…and i thought my previous state was dangerous.

this is getting seriously fucking sad…so i went to another place as of recent. another parlor. im seeing them pop up everywhere around and it’s concerning, especially as they seem linked to legitimate businesses. i dont think prostitution, consensual or not, has any business in a society. besides the point though – i ended up going into one of the new ones. dropped more fucking dough. went in for half an hour and it was becoming insane. the whole 9 yards with this lovely gal, better then most situations i have been in with that. and now my thoughts continue to be “go back there, go do it again, go have fun with her after hours or in her domain”.

and the er…”real”? part of me asks – what the fuck?!

the miss is a prostitute. she goes through probably a dozen dicks a day. i am no different. i am not special, she does not love or like me. hell, even everything we did was pretty much normal shit for an actual relationship. mutual sex and pleasure. and yet here I am, smoking fucking crack, thinking the lady that i gave a chunk of dough to to have sex with actually would like me or do it with me again in her home.

this all needs to stop. its not a matter of “even if” or “it will/wont ever happen”…its disgusting period. my mood has never changed once that “post nut clarity” hits. i need to stop trying to convince myself itll be fine if i do this shit again.

i think regardless, i have fucked myself up. i…i cant feel love. i really cant. even looking back at all those times with Kaizen, i wonder if I had ever felt love then. not just pleasure during sex, but the closeness and knowing that my partner has my back just as I do.

theres no way im getting a partner, so this chunk of me needs to be cut out and removed…and no that does not mean im cutting my dick off to go prance around town like a woman…