im not even sure what the fuck to call this one, every goddamned day is becoming a struggle all over again.

and this time, those same feelings…those emotions of pain and deep sorrows…are right by my side as if its the day i separated from Kaizen.

im not exactly sure what provoked this, but its related to sex. go fucking figure. thinking about Kaizen with someone in a sexual manner, in the same things we had shared together, brings me fucking pain again. im not sure has gotten into me with this worry and this concern. i know everything im feeling is wrong and should not be occurring, but it’s as if something has or will happen and im being warned of it.

ive thought about these days. the days that its not getting out of bed thats the hard part, its ensuring that my motivation and strength continues so i dont get worse. a couple years ago that was a big problem. i felt like shit and hated how i was living my life, so i would just go to bed eventually even though it may have been 3pm. i didnt want to live, i didnt want to feel, i just wanted to be left alone. and i know Kaizen saw that and couldn’t understand what to do. he didnt really seem to care how to take care of it. which is fair, but at the same time when you have a partner, you ask what’s wrong. you ask how can you help. you give advice, an ear to listen and a heart to learn how to take care of them. or maybe i just put too much effort in when i have a partner, i really dont fucking know.

now with these emotions coming, it’s ramping up my stress and anxiety again where it seems to be affecting my body. it has yet to get as bad as it used to be where i think i may have been causing my own panic attacks of sorts, but it’s still concerning. random spikes in pressure and heart rate arent exactly healthy and with my energy drink addiction basically being an equal to alcohol of sorts, it adds onto it. i keep having random moments where its as if my heart skips a beat, and not in a good way. sudden chest pain that goes away after a couple minutes usually.

its always provoked my mind…”what if i do have a heart attack now?”, “what if i fall into a coma?”, “what will happen once X, Y, or Z know I am in the hospital or I stop responding?”. sure, most folks wouldnt know, many er…not as close friends i guess…i dont talk to all that often. ive got a hundred things to do as do they. but the very close knit group of friends i do have would know quickly, or they may even be the ones to know first hand…but the other thing that does have me concerned (and im not even sure how to check) is that night that Kaizen took me to the ER.

now it honestly wasnt for anything serious, it’s a hilarious story that i was embarrassed to tell for a while, but Kaizen had taken me to the ER in the middle of the city as the one in the town I was living in at the time was not open for urgent care shit. he called around here and there and they couldnt help.

now i know what you’re asking, “what is so serious you had to go to the ER but it’s not serious?”.

its called “slayyyying queen” and “I dislocated my jaw sucking his dick one night when he came over from his dorm”.

we got through it all and it wasnt the best time in our relationship as I recall him texting his sister that he wasnt sure where we stood in the relationship and I do apologize for my mistreatment towards him…i didnt mean to confuse you Kaizen and i honestly just didnt think I was good enough for you. that you deserved better. and that fucking cunt with a list longer then a CVS receipt of all the people shes fucked is NOT good for you, you do deserve much fucking better. but that’s besides the point that im trying to tell here.

when i was finally seen by the doc to get my jaw relocated (surprise, it was a 2 min job and easy to do, should not have costed 600 fucking dollars!), they had wanted to double check my information at the hospital I went to as apparently the last document/event they had on file for me was like when I was 5. i updated my emergency contact but the problem is I dont know if I updated it with my fathers information or Kaizens as I do recall I was scared of my father knowing about this and didnt want anything showing like “hey your emergency contact has had something at the ER” or some shit. probably wouldnt ever happen but in case. im fairly certain Kaizen is still my emergency contact for that hospital.

and thats where i am concerned that should I ever fall ill or unresponsive in such a way that an emergency contact would be notified, our paths might just meet whether or not I like it. and who’s to say what would happen in that room…both close friends that I am currently with are not fans of him in the slightest.

so…maybe these emotions telling me that he will come to me one day are about that. maybe we will meet again and he may be a bit wiser to know at least some of what i was worried about was fair. in a very, VERY, far out chance that he would understand to the fullest extent about what i was talking about and going through…we could maybe have a chance together again. but i have a very good feeling that’s never going to happen. i have better chances of kissing Ryan Reynolds while being struck by lightning in the White House, all at the same time (no homo).

i think these are just some of the emotions i kept feeling those days after our separation when I had hoped Kaizen would make a surprise visit to see me…knowing it would never happen. as if i was a dog left in a home that would never been seen by the family again, waiting by the door in hopes that they would walk right through any moment now…

sometimes, just sometimes….i have a little too much hope.