i was doing mostly fine for today. emphasis on the was. part of it has been the degradation of my motivation and interest in things to do.

now, it’s motivated me to get my ass in gear and get some project shit done, but it scares me to gain the intelligence that may come with completing the project. see, this project is designed to help me understand some threats based on IP signatures and fingerprinting, but it takes in multiple sources of data. additionally with that, i may find some other stuff. i cant really get into it without exposing who i am so i wont, but thats the general part of it.

see, today i learned something about a person i fucking hate from start to finish. ive known about her for quite some time and she’s one of those folks that leaves a terrible taste in your mouth just talking to her. i completely forgot about her for some time until i saw her again one of the last few times i was with Kaizen…i think that was the same night i tried to fix shit by taking him out to an Italian place, since he loved pasta so much…and i also had laughed at this dumb broad who thought she was being shot at because someone placed a propane heater too close to a window. but that last bit is besides the point, still makes me chuckle.

running into this gal with Kaizen and what was said…while honestly harmless…still resides and rings in my memory. its like an echo or warning of sorts.

“Bye Kaizen, I loooove you!”

now this is really not anything bad to think about, most gay dudes get that from gals all the time or whatever…but it never sat well with me. during that time she said that, it hurt the most because i thought Kaizen immediately jumped to someone new. i dont know if he did or not, i havent spoken to him in a year to two by now.

the thing that has now brought all that back up is i found that this gal has not only been making out with randoms at parties…most likely similar or the same that Kaizen had gone to “to just talk to friends”. he never drank or smoke, we both always agreed upon that. but i never 100% knew if he would follow in my footsteps of the disgusting actions I had done. after all, he’s a lot closer to one of those clubs then i am if he’s where i think hes at now.

but this gal has also apparently ran through men sexually. she apparently took a trip out of country to go sleep with a bunch of other dudes and has apparently made a list of them. i can only imagine the fucking pain and fears that would come to fruition if I see Kaizens name on that “sex list”, if that’s for all of her partners.

now to my main reason i brought all this up…

Kaizen was my partner. many moons ago. for a good chunk of time after our breakup, i hated him. i despised everything about him. but after getting more information in, more wisdom, more intelligence (apparently im lacking typing skills ffs), im just at a point i feel sad for him. he seems to be the best out of his family as his older brother from what i understand is a good few years older yet doesnt have a job and is residing in his parents basement. his sister has things handed to her and from what i can tell, doesnt have much going either. Kaizen’s parents if anything, are not exactly present. his family has a bit more of an upper-class lifestyle, between their large home and where they live (high end area in the city), it’s nothing to brush off…which seems to line up with the sterotypes of rich parents not paying attention to their kids.

i wanted to always provide and do things for Kaizen when we were together. helping where i could to give him the knowledge and er, i guess street smarts to handle himself in the real world. and i looked up to him to provide me with the booksmarts i had lacked. in a way, i always thought about it as a yin/yang relationship. we balance each other out. my father had given me a lot of intelligence and know-how, but Kaizen also had information that my father had not as it was in a slightly different area – the physical science behind machine engineering instead of the administrative and software side of things. i cherish both and hold it close to my heart, but im always open for more learning anytime.

the unfortunate part though is that Kaizen never seemed to care or want to hear it. he always regurgitated the same things his family was telling him. that he would be 100% okay in the new city he was moving to. and while im sure he would be, something in my head always told him to protect him. do not fail, do not let him fall, and do not lead him to his demise. i did overreact that week where i thought we would end up dead in the city by the end of the week…too many things going on, but i dont regret it. i just wish he had listened to me a bit more about keeping himself safe and what to look out for as far as threats near you.

now with this whole shit and this gal again, it does have me worrying. it has me curious where shes at, what interactions shes had with Kaizen, and is Kaizen even okay…although my sources tell me hes not, but not because of her…because he’s shutting out his close friends. he’s losing something…a part of him out of panic maybe? fear? something is wrong and while im not sure what…it cant be coincidence i was seeing it before we separated.

in case i havent said it before, about a month or two before we stopped talking (i had called it to end our relationship, but was lonely and also realized my mistakes thinking i could fix everything, so i kept seeing him in his college and went on dates i guess you could call it. technically we were FWBs for a very short time, not my proudest moment) i had spoken to a close friend of his. he may come up in other stories if he hasnt already, so I guess I’ll assign the codename Fox, since it seems fitting for him. good friend and all, very rich family but he had a good head on his shoulders and his family seemed a lot more present then Kaizens.

Fox had been informing me when I had asked that Kaizen was being a bit distant. not so much in what or how he says things, but that he just wasnt replying to messages or calling as often. I doubt Kaizen was that busy with his schoolwork as he is known to complete things with an A in very little time. that i am still very jealous of and im happy to admit that, more because its not a bad jealousy, but i guess friendly competitiveness? hard to describe. regardless, it seemed to get worse as time went on, Fox informed me he was just acting odd or whathaveyounot, and then when I cut ties with Kaizen, I didnt want to interfere in case Kaizen wanted Fox’s assistance in dealing with the heartache, as I have done with my close friends. brothers in arms of sorts.

its not my business or concern to be a part of someone elses friend group like that. i know theres problems that Kaizen would have with me in our relationship and he’s free to express those to his friends or whoever he chooses. i’d want him to have an outlet where he may not have it with me. sure, your partner is someone you share everything with, but theres also times where theres problems with your partner that you may ask for guidance and such from close friends. to tread on that or tell him he cant do that is partially telling him that i dont trust him and I have a superiority complex of sorts, but also tells him that I control him, he’s not a partner but more my uh…”bitch”. and that’s not at all what i wanted to go for.

all of this scares me…to think what information i could stumble upon, what could happen, what Kaizen could be walking into…but there’s no way in hell we could be in a relationship again. it’s something ive thought about before, where if all was to fall, as much as I would probably despise doing so, i would want to rescue and help him because i’d hope that he’d receive the right guidance and take it into consideration, be given a second chance of sorts.

i dont care who he does love in the future, but im also not going to sit here and just let everything slide…although what does have me concerned as far as myself is why is this happening with Kaizen (and partially deerboi with other items), but not spidergirl? what the fuck happened there?

i need to finish making some patches and get to bed here soon…it’s nearing about 3AM…