I’ve been thinking on this for some time. about the site. About what it was created for. About how and what I felt upon it’s first creation.

I recall being in that small apartment with deerboi on chat. I kept thinking to myself, someday I can see him and it’ll all be okay. Things will be normal again. It’ll be like Kaizen and I but better. But yet, I still continued making mistakes…if you even want to call them that

I’ve wasted so much time trying to recollect the pieces from that all. From the relationship between Kaizen and I. From the feelings and promises I made. As much as I don’t care for Kaizen now, I still look back on some of the memories. How I essentially wasted all that time fighting something I was going to lose one way or another. Ignoring all the red flags of him, just because I wanted to remain in love. I wanted to continue to live in ignorance to the pain and suffering around me.

Unfortunately it seems all that remains from those memories is us screwing…he would rarely let me kiss him and there’s so many other things I recall in a negative light. I’ve told this to others – how he did yearly STD testing, only wanted to screw with no actual intimacy, it was always what he said…and some have said it sounded like he was cheating. I wouldn’t be surprised but was I any better? I had a horrible sleep schedule, was depressed most of the time, wanted him to come over but rarely I had it the other way around, and it was always we had to do something outside. We could rarely stay home and just cuddle. Come to think of it, I think the only time we did was watching a movie for 5-10 minutes.

Deerboi was going to be no better. He ignored me for the most part unless I simped and gifted him games, which while bad, was better spent there then spending it on those Asian brothels. Although I still did and I’m not proud of it. And now, I still want to go back to them or go back to the gay sex clubs. And I have nothing but negative emotions about them.

It’s all one big loop with me. I get it, I repeat myself. But its moreso because I have no fucking clue what to to do. When you’ve been given a taste of the forbidden honey, that’s all you ever want after. You want another taste. You want another hit…you want another chance to go to those clubs to have random men on you. Not for love but to satisfy your lust…a satisfaction that will never come. That’s probably what it comes down to at the end of the day being gay. It’s not something that a species does. It isn’t compatible at the biological level. Instead of heart to heart…it’s just fucking. Fucking to show you love someone. Fucking to tell them they’re beautiful. It’s never just being in their presence, enjoying their time, going on vacations to spend more time with them.

And so now, I want to go back to why I made this site in the first place. Not only as an outlet for my depressed ass, but a method in which I can take apart my emotions and thoughts – like all of my electronics – to see how they work and how to fix them. Manipulate them in such a way where I don’t need to be broken like this. Where I don’t need to think about going to another one of those sick clubs…before my desire gets the best of me again.

There’s many things I’ve considered over the years. Starting with hormone blockers – but those have long been shown to cause problems. I don’t want to take antidepressants as I have seen similar problems – becoming an emotionless drone.

And that’s not what I’m going for. I’d like to be happy, be human. I don’t want my memories and emotions to get the best of me. I don’t want to live depressed.

The other matter too is – will I have a partner? Someone I can love? I’m not sure where I stand with that all and as I’ve said before – do I force myself over and find a wife that I may or may not potentially divorce due to issues with today’s society? Or will I continue attempting to find/have a husband that I will never have kids with? Kids from my bloodline…as I don’t think adoption is something that counts.

That is, if I end up living long enough for all this to occur. With the current financial troubles I’m having, I’m not sure if my body will be able to maintain it all. They say heavy stress can cause heart attacks…but here I am. Maybe I’ve just never had real stress. Who knows.