as the days go on, I continue to ask myself.

Is any of this right? Am I making the right choice? Or am I too far gone?

Every day, work continues to test my patience. A bit over a year ago, I would of told you it’s the best job. Now? I don’t have much positive things to say.

With our management failing to do their job, our platform riddled with more and more bugs before the holidays, and now we’re violating laws regarding minimum wage pay – it’s only a matter of time before the tree falls.

a part of me wants to archive everything possible. I’m a data whore. I keep everything for the history books. But this is confidential data. Maybe not DoD level, but it would certainly get my ass sent to debt for life had it gotten into the wrong hands.

but everything inside me pushes. more and more, I get this fear of being homeless. I’m never enough. I’ll never amount to anything. I need to bust my ass now before I get fired or laid off.

And that’s what I continue to try and do.

I find avenues of work. I’ve put anything short term off to the side. Sidegigs aren’t worth it in the long run, only for the small bits of cash I need every now and again. I’m trying to invest in the market where possible, expand my skills, and harness whatever is left of me to fight.

Fight the good fight they say.

Fight for what is right. For everyone to be fair and just. To stop the scammers and evil that comes.

But when the good becomes evil – that evil pays your bills because no one else sees your skill. If you want to call it that. I think at this point I was nothing more then “hey look at this dude who knows a lot of PHP at a young age”

It’s not a minimum wage job. Otherwise I’d switch in a heartbeat. But for the time being, I need to stay put and stay calm. We continue to let in scammers, people who harass others, and many er….disgusting organizations who are now like us. They want that dollar if it means fucking over a few people.

As it stands now, the first opportunity I get to jump ship with at least equal pay, I will. And it won’t be a happy move. I’m not giving my two weeks, I’m taking others who share my views with me…

And we are leaving what remains behind.

The remains of what looked beautiful on the outside. Something that while it may be nice on the outside – never had a stable core on the inside. Built with scraps from other companies we’ve seen, we never heeded the warnings of the other organizations. They were never spoken – only shown.

I thought I could of ended my career here with this job at six figures. Give me enough breathing room and glide to move on to my next job. Now, I don’t even want anything to do with most of our staff. Not everyone is a problem – but most do not have a spine. They do not back themselves up and double down on what they believe in. Even in private.

I’ve at least been given an insight on a possible opportunity. Whether I can make something out of it in time is another question…but there’s only one way to find out.

But even with that problem potentially solved – given time, there’s something else that continues to eat away at my soul.

First, deerboi. Something continues to call him to mind, but what it is, is beyond me. Something tells me to trust the process…and that he may reach out in due time. But I must be patient, and I must listen with an open heart. Or is that just me trying to amend bad memories?

Second, I seem to fail to process emotions again. I can’t feel a damn thing but the bits of pain that remind me to not go into “autopilot” if you will. Those who are close to me…I’m not sure how I feel. I had a close call with a breakup, and it sent me into a pissed off state like I was with Kaizen all over again. Trying to defend and fight to just love him, despite it being worthless in the end. Are those my true emotions? Have I made any progress with who I am? Am I even gay, or do I continue to hide in the husk of who I once was…someone searching for another soul to love and accept me…whether it was biologically compatible was not something I cared about before.

And third…what the hell is going on with these thoughts? My mind always runs at a million miles an hour but I’ve had some recent issues…during the times I do choose to masturbate (I apologize for being so rude…but no way to say it really) I get this fucking flashbang of an image in my mind. And it’s always something about being saved. It’s always fuckin Jesus. And I’m not kidding. I think I’m actually going batshit insane.

Fourth…being given a bit of extra green for work, I find myself bored at the end of the day. I want to do something, but I don’t know what. And it seems my dick is wanting to go right back to before…those parlors. Go on in, feel good for an hour, and then have suicidal thoughts for the rest of the week. I think I’m starting to see why I went into those places again…and why I wandered to fucking random dudes after. Being gay might just be a fucking virus…

Whatever is going on with me, I must continue to fight. If not for myself, for those who rely on me. And it seems more are doing just that…they’re searching for a leader, someone to step up and not tell them what to do…but guide them in the right direction.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from the disgusting and illicit mistakes I’ve made…its where to guide someone in the darkest hour…their darkest days.