as nightfall comes, I’ve been informed of how badly I truly do attach onto people. how desperate for someone to confide in I really am…but yet when that someone is there, I run. I push them away. I despise it all…

I had thought more bout deerboi and our interactions in the past. how I informed him right before cutting ties just how much of a piece of shit he was being. and honestly, I cant blame him. it’s a perfect reason as to why I shouldn’t be close to people.

throughout our er…friendship we’ll just call it…we sent quite a few explicit photos back and forth. there were a good few too of selfies between us as well. and I can recall during the begining of that whole thing about me asking what he looks like. I didn’t just want his dick…don’t get me wrong it was nice and so was his ass…but if I was gonna love someone, I wanted to know all of them. I wanted to know who I could imagine kissing each and every night. I wanted to imagine who I could hold hands with. I wanted something to build thoughts and feelings from…not just sex. if I wanted dick pics I would just go to Grindr or some shit.

That place needs to burn to the ground…but a story for another time…

It quickly divulged into failure. from me cutting ties because it felt wrong to trying to come back and asking for more and this and that and…

pain. it was pain always in the end.

I remember talking to him that first night I went to one of those “bathhouses”. he said something about how it’s what I get for trying to fuck Cali dudes or some shit, which is fair. but the question of the day is how do you not feel pain over seeing even just a friend do something as stupid as that? had I been deerboi, I would of asked why? What made you want to try that?

But once again – I also think he never cared.

Or he did and stopped at one point…he did try to see where I went after Kaizen and I separated. That night I still recall looking into the void, into a mass of trees swallowed by the darkness among the pale moon light. I remember thinking that it was nothing but pain ahead for me. that nothing more would ever come of us. that was it.

besides the point – deerboi kept his distance for the most part and maybe he knew something. at the same time, he also had a less lustful side to him. someone who was creative and passionate but lacked energy. he always diverted everything into just jerking off all the time. after I realized just how bad it was, I wanted to help him. I wanted to show him what was possible and that I’d help teach him. he could be an amazing sysadmin or a beautiful artist or a wonderful game dev

but instead, he chose to be a spoiled rich kid, left with his own room in his parents household without a current future of his own in sight.

I asked him a hundred times before and it never changed. he always wanted to do this or that, but he never had the motivation to do so.

and then he went to his first con which might be great and all I’m sure, but I worried more about how he always wanted to be a part of those con orgies. the sex parties. to be used. and to think of someone you’d want to be a partner with in that position scared me more.

and wrapping it all up brings me to the point I wanted to state. it wasnt going to happen from day one. I don’t think he cares at all about me and that’s fine, that’s his choice and I honestly don’t blame him.

but I shouldn’t waste my time thinking of how I could be with someone who only thought of me as “the guy that gave him free stuff” or “the twink femboy who works with computers.”

everything from my past experiences continues to push me further and further away from it all. I genuinely question if I even want to consider a future with any partner or have any sort of sexual relations – even if I want to take that disgusting route of “casual sex”. is it worth it? because as far as I’m aware it has damaged me beyond saving.

reminiscing over some dumbass across the country that likes deer and dick – nothing more should be the evidence to that.

I guess it’s one step closer to healing and fixing my problems at least…