i guess now is a short reminder that you should at least ask about certain things in your life that seem normal to you but not others.

i.e. as I grew up, my mother always smoked in the car. she also had a lot of booze while driving. as I grew up as a kid, I didn’t think much of it. I asked her a lot why she drank and it was always something random, but it wasn’t until my high school years I realized that was pretty fucking illegal. then the (well, honestly borderline) sexual assault from the oldest son of that witch, being in the 6th or 7th grade, I recall the oldest forcing me over the couch and dry humping me from behind, laughing. when I tried to change my center of gravity so he couldn’t pick me up to do that, he just decided to do it to my face instead. as much as I don’t care about that, there are still some people like him who should probably be publicly hung.

anyways.

thinking back on another matter as well, “toxic masculinity”. the word that lots of idiots throw around yet have no clue what it means. no, being told to be stronger and do better is not toxic masculinity. being told to have a strong family bond and have traditional values is not toxic masculinity. and I think this word was probably the moment I did finally break and realize how much of a joke Kaizen really is.

after I made the mistake of having some quick fun with him in the car after we agreed not to, he told me that my problems probably stem from the toxic masculinity my father pushes on me about how I need to keep things in. and to clarify – no I was never told this. I choose to keep things bottled because anytime I’ve done anything with them, it went nowhere or made things worse. it’s why I stay quiet and why I don’t let people read me as well.

after he told me that, im not gonna lie, I wanted to choose violence. he really pissed me off with that. but with how his parents and family are, I mean it was only a matter of time before seeing how much his parents failed to raise him properly. I guess college for him only put him on a fast track to turn into a shitty person.

moral of the story – listen to both sides before making a choice. yes, that includes my rants. I know im only bound to be wrong with how bad my memory can be.

unfortunately I seem to have also brought with me an only increasing need to be attached to someone. when it comes to choosing my partner, im very much picky. I don’t just choose the cutest guy I see, but rather its not really until I see who they are or what they do that I then become attracted. Kaizen fell in love with me first during CyberPatriot and I found it adorable how much he was into similar things I was.

with my latest error – it was similar. saw a cute guy, talked him up, realized how much of what he does lines up with things I think are cool, neat, or otherwise I like to do, and he seems to have some critical thinking as well – something Kaizen very much lacked. but yet, I made the mistake of just pouring out my heart and trying to be me 100% in front of him.

sure, it was some “cringe” online relationship shit, but it doesn’t mean I couldn’t fly out or make a trip. he was adorable and I only continued to think about him more and more. it was like an endless feedback loop I couldn’t stop…then he ghosted me rightfully so. I still continued to think about him and more thoughts rolled in doubting it all.

“why am I so attracted to him and only him? I don’t usually get this way with anyone for that matter.” “why do I think I am ready for anyone? I can’t even keep my head on straight” “why do I think I even deserve him, he’s got his own shit going on and doesn’t deserve the mess of a life I have interesting with his” “am I just attracted to him because of the same issues he’s exhibited that sound like mine?” “am I just attached to someone to feel something?”. there was just so many questions I had to slow down. I had to figure out what the fuck I was doing.

and now, all I can think about is distancing myself from everyone. I don’t want to run from my problems, that never got me anywhere, but at the same time if you keep fucking other peoples lives

up, what other choice do you even have?

even now, I still have an unhealthy attraction towards him. I fear im gonna lose him even though we haven’t even done much of anything. I don’t want him going in any sort of downward spiral or not hearing from him for a while only to find out the worst has happened. I just can’t take everything at once and want to step back, but I don’t want to abandon anyone either.

sometimes I wish that options in life were a bit easier to see then just assuming…something you know what your choices are….