im not sure what it is with me recently but holy shit im lacking so much energy right now.

maybe its the caffeine getting worse but by the middle of the day im ready to go back to bed. ive reduced my intake on energy drinks from upwards of 700-800mg a day to maybe 400. its still not the best but its better then what it used to be. not to mention i’ve noticed a bit less of mood swings, but maybe that’s something else, i dunno im not a doctor.

most of what i do or who i’ve become i almost dont notice or understand. i try to analyze my behaviors, see where my issues lie, and figure out how i can improve but it usually leads to a worse outcome because i cant keep up with it. take for example after the breakup with Kaizen, i had probably one of (what i assume was) the worst panic attacks ever. i’ve never gotten one before but everyone i’ve spoken to tells me thats what it was. going to bed one night next to him crying myself to sleep and blacking out only to get maybe 1 hour of sleep the next morning, head out, and on my drive back home i kept feeling these really bad chest pains and shortness of breath.

it was like that for an entire week although. it wasnt like i was panicking, it just hurt a lot. i wasnt about to go into the hospital ER since i already owed 600$ for dislocating my jaw sucking dick and before then they told me it was COVID when i had a fucking ear infection. i just went with it and hoped for the best. it went away after a while and i cut out the energy drinks in fear that i would collapse, but a little after that all stopped, i went back to drinking two to three bangs a day.

they didnt affect me but something i’d come to find out is i use bang (or really any energy drink for that matter) as a way to keep myself working so i can avoid my thoughts and the memories that pain me. the thoughts of being an absolute failure living on the side of the road, dying alone because i cant seem to be compatible with anyone, screwing everything up and just being unwanted persay. my skills are nothing and i see almost too many kids these days that know more then i do, yet im constantly praised for my work like i wrote an entire operating system or something.

it doesn’t feel right and i dont think i’ve ever actually processed any of those compliments. i tend to just shrug them off and say its easy or im just doing my job. and at the end of the day thats really all it is, nothing fancy to it. im glad im not addicted to any sort of the “normal” drugs i.e. weed, meth, cocaine, painkillers, alcohol, stuff like that. is it healthy still for what i do take into my body? no. but its not going to be a challenge as much either of getting rid of it. maybe i just need to go camping or something im not sure.

i know im not gonna be able to do any actual vacation, at least for a very long time. i cant take myself to do anything outside of work or hobbies and when i feel worn out, i usually end up playing games long enough to get myself back into it. when im at home its either minecraft or battlefield 4. cant really bring myself to play games usually unless its a last choice. i hate doing it because its not productive but sometimes its the only thing i can do to give myself a break long enough to be productive again.

theres so many issues that just seem to stem from all sorts of shit. and i keep telling myself the cure is to see someone and find someone i love and to use them like an unhealthy crutch. because that worked the last two times… i hate to even think that i think that way but its true. each time i get lonely or sad, i think of that damn deer. i want to cuddle him and hold him close but alas, i fucked that up. it doesnt help that i continue to talk to him, typing each character of my sentence brings me this feeling in my chest like i need to stop what im doing and run immediately.

i keep envisioning a life with us and that needs to stop to. he doenst care for me, i already made sure of that. he told me himself he wasnt into me which is understandable. he continues to apologize as if he was the one that fell in love way too fast with someone who was just remotely like him. fuck me. the more i type all of this out the more i realize just how ridiculous ive become. i continue to hurt myself to try and benefit those i love because i know im not getting anywhere putting myself first and even when i screw shit up, i cant get it through my thick skull that its not working, its not happening.

i did the same shit with Kaizen. broke up, ended it. broke up, ended it. when he had enough after I ended it again, i thought itll be okay. i can just do better and get back up. push harder, it hurts now but itll be better later. keep pushing, keep trying to do better, keep figuring out how you can improve.

but in the end, i basically went straight off a cliff. i kept speeding up and pushing myself harder only to hit the end that i knew was ahead, but couldn’t accept.

and here i am again, ready to hurt myself trying to make someone elses life better.

(i should probably clarify its an emotional pain – im not suicidal and i dont plan on physically hurting myself, thank you very much fed bois)