I think since the addition of this little…thing…ive spun up, i’ve been able to get some things off my chest finally and kind of just put them out there, somewhat fearful still of who may see or read it but not as bad as if i said it to someone directly. even when i had a therapist for a short time, it just seemed pointless.

over this last winter, i told myself i would better myself and what i do. to some extent, i am. im still learning some things, i got more certifications under my belt (albeit very small ones but at least I can say i know shit), and i told myself i would try therapy again.

part of it was something Kaizen wanted me to do, part of it i knew i needed to find something to repair myself. Therapy wasnt something that i was usually fond of. my first therapist i recall (i had another back when i was very little i dont recall) i was in middleschool. it was required by the courts or whatever parenting plan bullshit, since my father and mother decided to stir the pot between each other. most of it was my mother being a cunt as per usual, but it was out of the blue with her. i recall a lot of it just being “so you remember when your father decided to do X” or “well i couldn’t do that because your father chose to be an ass” and yada yada.

i didnt recall being in therapy so it was a new thing for me kind of. having to go there once every week and for a little bit it was kinda cool, my therapist was nice and friendly and all, but after a while it just felt like a waste of time. i wanted to go home, do my homework (sometimes), and go play games or be with friends. why was i told i have to do this? why out of the blue?

towards the end of that “era” was around the time my mother started her shit again with the divorce. and thats when my then current therapist began to be an issue. it wasnt that she was a dick or anything, but something with her certifications and such prevented her from actually submitting anything to the courts without it being thrown out. wonderful. so that stopped.

then my second therapist came into play. i wouldnt say so much that she was a “therapist” as more of just someone to mediate between two people. once again, court enforced. she was to mediate and ensure that the relationship between my mother and I could be rebuilt. surprise: it couldnt. my mother chose to lie and manipulate her way into me trying to obey her and everything she said, even when it came down to what my father says to me. once i voiced that this shit was not okay and that she’s lying through her teeth, the therapist stopped everything right there and said that it wasnt going to be possible to repair anything.

then, during the issues i had with my father and his problem with Kaizen (which honestly was a waste of time, just about everything my father stated about Kaizen was true and im not sure how the fuck he saw that, maybe coincidence?), I was once again forced into therapy. this time it was with my fathers therapist but separate. i would just voice and say what was going on, i had no real clue as to what to do, and that was that. i hated it and wanted a way out of it along with everything else.

then finally, when i made my own choice to find a therapist, i decided to go with one in-network for work’s insurance. my boss was awesome enough to assist me in trying to go about that again and let me know what i needed to do in a way. once that was sorted and i found someone, it was just…bullshit. sure, it wasnt my money being spent at the end of the day, who cares right? (i dont understand some people who think this but whatever) i decided to end that pretty quickly as well. i just stated all my shit and that i wanted to be a better person, and there was almost no feedback at all. it was no different then these constant rants i seem to do, just had to pay for it was all.

at this point, maybe its just a me thing, but therapy isnt it. therapy wont cut it for me and im not going to continue to waste my time and mine or other peoples resources to continue burning through finding one. i’ve made more progress by myself through my own pain and suffering then i ever have had before trying to talk to a therapist. is what i do dangerous? absolutely, most times that i talk to coworkers or those close to me, i dont recommend walking in my same footsteps. have i made more progress in doing just that? yes, putting more pressure and stress on myself to get shit done, stop being a pussy, and cut the bullshit out of my life is probably some of the best shit ive done.

cutting out bad exes, shitty family members, friends who only wish to gain from you and back stab you, and so much more is a good step and a good way to move forward without being brought back down. unfortunately there will still be some memories and thoughts you’ll need to shake but when its all done, you’ll be better for it.

speaking of, surprisingly that little nightmare i had last night that woke me up sweating hasnt affected me all that much today…which is also worrying. still lazy as fuck at the moment and need to control the social media, but not constantly thinking about him and the probabilities that he’s doing something that upsets me.

now if only i can act normal around some other fucking people.