every time.

every fucking time.

i was coming back to my senses, i began feeling attraction towards deerboi again. we’re just supposed to be friends and thats fine and dandy, i have no problem with that.

but when it came to talking to him, it was like i had to hold back everything. i was afraid of opening back up and telling him im still attracted to him and i still am interested in him and all…and then scaring him off. alas, i finally did. i just straight up told him all of it and while he told me its okay, it certainly didnt feel that way. i knew what was going to happen, i knew that i would go right back to obsessing over him and wanting him…and the sex shit.

and i did. i told him about wanting a partner to consider making adult content with and/or just making it on my own and for some reason…when he said he wanted to do the same…it kinda just left the same feelings i had before…with Kaizen and him. knowing full well that it was only a matter of time before the person im still attracted to is going to go off and screw someone else. like being betrayed…by my own mind. knowing consciously that he wasn’t going to be mine, but subconsciously thinking we were going to be partners. constantly fighting with myself to find someone and being prepared should it fail.

i really hate this. i want the pain to stop. i want the emotions to just go away or calm the fuck down. i dont want to be known or thought of as some person who just needs to be put into a mental asylum because I cant control my emotions and feelings for someone. i just want to have someone whos close with me, who i can talk to every night and hold, and just…be myself.

it never feels like i can do that anymore…with much of anyone. i tell my stories in fear of ruining someone else, i keep things to myself because i know im just looked at as insane…hell Kaizen did that to me more times then i can count. i dont want pity. i dont want to be consoled. i dont want to be lied to. i just want the fucking answers as to how to be normal again.

im going in a dangerous loop that could very well put me in the hospital. with the 300~900mg of caffeine, the stress from other things between work and family, the nightmares (that thank the heavens have died down finally), the previous memories that only amplify the pain in my chest, the physical belongings i keep but hide…the ones that cause so much pain to hold and look at knowing where they’re from but i dont know what to do with them, and so much more. it’s only a matter of time before that panic attack that happened almost 6 months ago…becomes something real.

i guess im only left with two options now. keep talking to deerboi and make sure he’s okay, or be selfish and distance myself from him and others…again. another dangerous loop i keep doing.

i know i deserve every bit of this pain i do get. i can’t be ignorant about it. the mistake’s i’ve made, the little strength and power i have. theres…theres just no other explanation i have. for why i get so easily attached to some people. for why my days on this earth continue to either be pain or dull. maybe this is just my punishment or something…it feels like its going to last forever. i dont know.