as weird as it sounds, i think its interesting how the human mind functions. not off of only logic, but evolution, primitive needs, and emotion.

maybe i’ve come to terms with the pain that this all brings me and thats why im not acting like a deranged lunatic. last night and the few nights before, i was about ready to burst. about ready to cry at the slightest inconvenience like a pussy and the last thing i wanted is to do that in the middle of the workplace.

especially last night. last night i would not shut the fuck up. deerboi added me back after i made the decision of just cutting ties with him and eventually i accepted. i asked what he wanted because i didnt know if maybe he just wanted to keep the channel open in case there was issues with the stuff i gave him.

he kept telling me he doesnt hate me. i kinda knew that but it didnt matter to me. i hated me, i hated that i went on and that i continue this obsession over him. like an animal trying to crawl back to its parents or something. i was holding on so tightly to him and trying to have him be my partner or something. im not really sure what my end goal was anymore. but i can certainly say if i saw that kind of shit from his side of things, it would be a little creepy.

i wanted it to stop. there was a million things at once i was talking with myself about. did he really hate me and was just saying this? was he going to hurt me? is there something im doing wrong that brought him back to me? why wont he leave me be? what the fuck is going on? why cant i calm down?

there was so much happening all at once simply inside my head. it was like i was doing 20 different things at once and im not exactly sure what that was or is all about. to put it simply, i seemed to be acting like i was overreacting to every little thing around me.

just simply thinking about him having sex or being with anyone else sent me in a frenzy. it hurt like a bitch and it was something big that was just about ready to push me over the edge, crying and screaming. it was like Kaizen all over again.

now, i know that pain and that shit is there, but its just…not connecting i guess? its as if its a physical thing inside me, but its not actually affecting my workflow or a variable in how i seem to do things.

all of today i pretty much just feel empty. dull and devoid of anything for that matter. theres no way in hell i am finding a partner. im a lost cause and i certainly dont deserve to have a damn soul in this world paired with me.

am i happy? fuck no. i can still barely sleep and i know my life could be better.

will i change my mind in the future about a partner? unfortunately. still finding a way to ground any sexual emotion or thought, although i think im thinking too much of myself as some sort of machine like i just need oil or something. i dont know if there will be an ability for that thats not gonna at least damage something physically with me.

am i going to have sex with anyone else in the future? i fucking hope not.

i just need to keep my head on my work and my tasks and keep moving forward. i dont have time to sit here and cry and let things out. i’ve made it this far, i can make it further.

should probably look for a solution or method to stop myself from finding partners, sexual or intimate.