so after some system migrations and moving, some services are back online.

and some are broken.

at this point i can barely even pull myself together enough to actually get some things done. i cant be near people, i cant really talk to people, i cant fucking do a lot. all i want to do is stay home, sit in a corner, and watch as i continue to fade.
i can barely eat as it is. im not sure if its just i dont want to or if im just growing disgusted of everything but my habit of not eating all day and then having something at the end is increasing. this time i guess its a bit better considering i’ve had about 2 pounds of cherries and a thing of strawberries in 24 hours.

i was doing fine for a while. i got asked to head back down south again for work and that…that became a shitfest. i went down, drove about 24 hours straight (i had to take more naps then expected as i nearly drove into a ditch), and found myself in a new airbnb. it was a nice little place. i got situated with Lotto and i in the place, got our stuff unpacked, and finally actually had some laundry done.

something i can’t do a whole lot back home, at least i couldnt for a little while. every time i would come back from these things, it would take an arm and a leg coming back and getting re-situated between fuel, dog food, human food, and then still paying bills…although if i didnt fucking spend 420$ for that Nevada Special im sure i wouldnt be in that situation.

that entire week i told myself i would keep my shit together. i would keep it in my pants, nothing stupid…and i failed…twice. the first couple of nights i stayed at that airbnb i had gone to a sex club. right in the middle of downtown LA. was it risky? abso-fucking-lutely. im honestly suprised i didnt get stabbed just getting there. went in, and even approaching the facility i could just tell i was going to regret it. but hey, i already drove an hour to get there, am i going to waste it now?

i think thats another part of my issue. i challenge myself into going all the way, no matter what it is. i’ve already wasted X resources, I mine as well follow through unless im looking to double my waste pussying out and coming back. its a curse and yet a blessing…because sometimes it does play well in my cards.

when i got in, it wasnt what i exactly expected. lots of old guys, those who let themselves go, and just otherwise unkempt folks running around naked. i kept asking myself what i was doing here. why did i decide to do this. what is this going to get me?

i left that place with a disgusting taste in my mouth and having gone through three guys…although thats probably best chances being in that place. i felt horrible, everywhere around me looked like the fucking slums, and i felt as if i was two seconds away from that being the end of who i would be.

i went back to the airbnb and did my work for the rest of the week. i didnt want to go back and i opened up to deerboi and told him what i did. i half expected him to hate me…im not sure why i have this fascination with him and whatever in hating me but…seems to be that way. rest of the week was pretty mediocre, did some of my work, waited on majority of things, and then…drove home.

kind of.

i was driving through NV heading back and one town i wanted to check was Ely…and it is now at the top of my list for places to avoid. i thought “why not try a brothel right? im in NV, when am i going to honestly be back?”…and it was no different than any of these other fucking awful experiences i had sexually. at this point, i wouldnt even call them mistakes. its fucking insanity. i continuously keep trying again and again, visiting these parlors or quick hookups as if i expect to find a lover or someone who will take care of me as i take care of them…

im not even sure what my thinking is behind that. i think i have such a deep “link” in how Kaizen and I originally got together that I expect it to happen again if I just screw another person. “It’ll be different this time!” “Maybe i’m not a fucking homo!” “Some people have it different, why can’t I have that?”. it’s not so much even that I am horny or i need to stick my dick into something, its just that I want to feel that closeness again…and considering that Kaizen lied to me, I dont know if what I even had was real. Fake dreams backed by fake promises from fake people all just to feel good.

and now, the past couple of weeks, i’ve sat at home doing close to fuck all. i feel nothing but anger and disgust. being horny feels like a chore, i finally seem to have come to the realization that i’ll be loveless so long as I live, and that not everything is as it’s described.

i still think about deerboi. that hasnt really stopped. my realization of being loveless and realizing that I just seem to be mad at everything has kept me restrained from actually talking to him…which is a good thing. At least I wont be annoying him, fucking him up as badly as I did my past two partners…and he’ll be able to find someone he actually loves.

i used to daydream constantly about everything we could do together. between him being with me at work, going out to lunch for sushi, laying down at home and relaxing, watching the sunset, visiting new places both local and abroad, sitting in his lap, being able to take care of him when he’s sick or feeling down, and so much more. but if i cant even be happy with myself (which, lets face it, why should I really be?), why should i put that burden on anyone else?

i’ve gone to multiple parlors, screwed one too many guys, and i cant keep myself together in one piece longer then a day. i’m what some would call “washed up”, “a whore”, and many other terms. its not good, i dont care what is deemed as a “positive attribute” in today’s world. i should of kept to myself all those years. between my first ex, Kaizen, and all the other sexual-only partners i’ve gone through…i wouldn’t be here. maybe i would have put a bit more effort in my school. i would of had a degree by now…probably brainwashed by another college just as Kaizen has become…but hey i’d be successful right?

no matter how many different ways i look at it, all i continue to see is someone who’s made one too many wrong choices, yet, yearns for something I should never have. i’ve turned two people into hateful bastards who cant even think for themselves, i am just constantly pissed at everything, and i always want to drag others into my shit.

i hope this lack of emotion continues. i can still feel some attraction towards deerboi. that needs to stop. everything else will settle eventually if it hasnt already…sex drive is nothing, disgust and shame is through the roof, and the anger dies out/goes in phases.

seems like i’ll be returning to normal…or at least a safe normal for me.

can’t sleep, i refuse to let anyone know whats going on because i dont want anyone close to me, and as much as I want to push myself to do better and be better…i just can’t come to terms with being nothing more then a fucking shared hole. i dont understand how people live with themselves doing that.

at this point, if i wanted to end it all, i’d probably just make an onlyfans so the shame would really sink in.

which…fucking hell. it makes me question if i really am even attracted to deerboi. he’s into all this kinky shit and its amazing and originally, i wanted to be with him all in on it…but now having done some of that shit myself, i dont want to go anywhere near it. making an onlyfans, having threeways, orgies at conventions…i dont mean to shame him for it since he has yet to experience it…but i dont think i could live with having a partner who’s seen more dicks in them then tiles on the bathroom floor.

i dont know how i even ended up here. i think its best to continue being a drone and sign off at this point.
cheers, i guess.