it seems that despite distracting myself away from deerboi, i continue to think about him. watching the entirety of house like a madman (which i blame him for) continuously had me thinking about him. then when i watched the S3 ending, for some reason it made me even more fearful of being in a relationship.

being close to someone…having a potential chance at being by the side of your lover…watching them die.

i know its all some fictional show, as entertaining as it is, but something got to me. i immediately thought about him when i saw that one of the characters another main character had fallen in love with was dying. imagine falling in love with someone, knowing their the one, only to have it all ripped from you in a few quick seconds.

it makes everything all the more precious. it hurts to think about but it also gives me a reason just to hold my S/O so much more closer…

while i dont think i’ll have a partner in the future…i really dont have hopes for it…i want to make sure i treat them right. it seems to be a rarity where i can actually find someone who isnt fucking 200 lbs, has good character, can think for themselves, and is fucking adorable…i dont understand why this is so hard to find but it is.

to find someone who matches me as much as i’d like to is like trying to search for a drop of food coloring in the pacific ocean. it only affects a tiny amount of water and i cant even find anyone local. i mean shit, after kaizen i fell in love with some guy all the way on the other side of the states. i still dont even understand why.

thinking about him…his face is adorable, his curly hair is cute as hell, his glasses just make it so much better, and then when he talks about the things he loves (which, for privacy, i won’t get into) its absolutely amazing just to listen to him go on and on about it. i’ve never been annoyed with him. i’ve been slightly upset from time to time but quickly came to a realization on each occurrence. he’s not perfect, and thats the beauty in it. he’s got flaws and he has appeared to have some similar problems as I have. being able to help each other on something we can both relate to i think helps a lot but yet, i want to say its trauma bonding. i dont know if it really is but something tells me its unhealthy and i need to just stop.

i want him so badly. i want to take him on a date, i want to offer him everything, i want to give him whatever he never had…i want to be the one that stands beside him on his darkest days. at the end of the day, if you’re my partner, i dont care if you tell me you hate me, you never want to see me, i’m the absolute worst…for whatever the fight may have occured about, i will still hold you. i will work with you to try and better us both. as a couple…and this is something i seemed to have lacked with my two exes…you grow together.

if you dont think you’re good enough for your S/O, surprise! no one ever is. thats the fun part about being a couple, learning how to grow together. both growing in attraction and growing in being better people.

the first part although…is you two being attracted for each other. i think at this rate im only trying to force something thats not going to happen. deerboi stated he’s not into me…but yet seems to have this fascination with my appearance. he imagines me naked on the bed…i imagine laying on his chest, listening to his every breath…he thinks my chest is “hot”, i think his face is adorable.

but yet…

i’ve read the same twitter message a handful of times. ive repeated it in my head more times than I can count. “…i wasn’t sure whether i liked you or not and i don’t think i do..”. he doesnt really respond to certain messages like when i ask about one of us traveling to another. not to mention i dont know where i stand with his kinks. i know what he feels, but to exclaim that it has to be an open relationship if its long distance? i dont know.

and then…

i’ve talked before about taking him on a date. trying things. learning more about him in person. and im fully down and into that. i want to take him out on a date and take however long it needs to take to learn every whim, every vulnerability, and every strength to accommodate him. show him he deserves so much more in this world, show him just how much he can do, show him he could even be better than me.

i’m fighting with myself every day about whether or not the dream i have with some guy across the state is real or just something to take the pain away for the time being. i dont know how much i can take given i seem to always think im reaching my limits when im nearing causing a panic attack, but i somehow dont end up in the hospital…


…yet.