still no response…not even a read indicator. did i fuck up royally?

all of today has been like I’ve been riding a high. I’ve been super happy, maybe not so much energetic and motivated but better then I have been in a long time. it gives me a bad taste in my mouth…because these moments are usually short-lived.

take for example, the last few months before Kaizen and I stopped talking. i pushed to improve myself, try and work out more, go to therapy. there was a certain threshold that I seem to have either pushed too far or completely forgot why I was depressed. it was like peace and serenity. it lasted a little while and there were plenty of moments where reality would set in, but it was like a small dip in the road…and then a train eventually. right when Kaizen stopped talking to me, I stopped talking to him, and he said that retarded shit about “toxic masculinity”, I fucking lost it. straight from an 80-90 out of 100 down to a 10-0.

there were plenty of moments coupled with it that I thought I lost “the one”. the one who really wasn’t ever there for me, who never understood what I had gone through, and had never seen a struggle in his life. he could give a shit less about me. but yet, I was so broken to the point that there were many times I wanted to just floor it and wrap my car around a tree. i had plenty of thoughts and dreams about Kaizen and I being together…but he was even worse. i thought about how I would just be sitting at home with him and he’d completely ignore me. or i’d say “I love you” and he would just rub it in my face about how badly I fucked up and he keeps me around as a trophy…just shit like that I thought about for some reason.

i need to stop talking about Kaizen. he’s been of little thought on my mind today and I want to ensure the last thing that happens is that his bad actions and failures of being a proper S/O do not affect me and any future partner I may or may not have.

regardless, it has me in fear still about what could come with deerboi. for all I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow to a message from him telling me to fuck off or stop it with this shit or just outright blocking me. i don’t hold a lot of faith to what i’d call a ballsy attempt at trying to rizz some poor guy going about his life.

i think I’ve had too many incidents in where I got my hopes up only to be shot down, but I don’t want to make the same mistake here, given the cards don’t appear to be in my favor. it’s good to be excited about being able to be someone else’s love, but there is no guarantee to any of this. he has yet to read it. I’m getting my emotions high and my thoughts all over the place all for some fantasyland dream I keep trying to tell myself wont happen.

I’m going to take that chance of making him happy though, even if its a 1 in a million chance, like I said.

I just have to keep my emotions in check…no matter the outcome…