starting the day off strong with lots of calls and support tickets coming in, wonderful.

dont get me wrong, i love my current job and i wouldnt trade it for anything with what ive been given, but it doesnt mean it doesnt have its downsides – that being usually regular work issues. our team is a little too small so we tend to have issues keeping up with some things which can result in lots of other things either being put on the back burner or falling apart.

then we have the occasional staff member issue. its only one person but fuck, i didnt sign up to be a babysitter. its not my job to do his job and if you want me to do it, then i expect to be paid overtime and drop his ass off our team – not keep him just because.

whatever, not my problem and theres nothing i can do about it.

as for everything else – the one phrase that repeats in my head over and over.
why do I keep doing X?
why do i keep making the same mistake(s)? its not just one thing, no, its a cluster of things that vary. am i that lonely? am i bored? what secrets does the human mind hold that we are aware of but cant speak about?

its something that almost haunts me on a daily basis. i do stupid shit. not the funny haha let me bash my head against the desk in russian class for fun, its the “holy shit you really just did that” bs that makes you question your own character. are you lying to yourself? do you know who you even are? do you deserve anything you have? who knows. who knows to any of those questions. i certainly dont and why i choose to just move on from it. just beginning to wrap my head around the bullshit that happens on this cursed planet begins to open a lot of questions and answers.

people choose to get high to escape, they party to forget the night, they have sex to chase that feeling they had before of being able to wake up next to someone and look them in the eyes with the thought of having a future together. people are habitual creatures and as cringe as this all sounds, it doesnt mean its not true. sometimes we dont like change so we attempt to fill it with something we should of never considered…and sometimes we feel like we have no other choice but to continue doing just that. why move on? why change this if it works? who cares if it kills me?

the escape from reality certainly isnt just limited to sex, drugs, and rock and roll. it can come in the form of many other things, usually addictions. something that brings us feelings after feeling so dull for so long, even if that means nothing but anger and pain. i can say for certain i havent done any sort of drugs or drinking, as tempting as it may be, but instead i make my escape my work. its why i put so much time into my job or my coding hobbies. its an escape from my personal life that i know is a goddamned mess. having an ex thats constantly on your mind that you want nothing more with as you tell yourself you were the problem even though he never really cared, every interaction with people outside a very small trusted friend group feels like a problem because you’re either too much yourself or you dont speak because you know you’re gonna say some fucked up stupid shit.

theres far too many examples of that. deerboi is one. being around Kaizen’s friends is another. (what is it with me and liking people with deer sonas?). or the insane shit i said to rice crispy when we first met…or my real dumbassary shining when i met my first female (now ex) gf. maybe its why i have such a small trusted friend group. i certainly wouldnt trade that for a 100 friends that barely know anything about me…which just opens up a whole new rant i have about Kaizen..my god I need to get him out of my head.

when it comes to me being around people and talking to them – it just starts wrong and gets worse. “Oh hi how are you?” then i have to tell myself not to answer in my typical way of “Im screaming and want to throw myself out the window with the hundreds of things I have to do and take care of in 7 days”, then it becomes a relationship of I know this person and we are building a friendship, but am I being genuine? okay let me be genuine from now on and just…ugh. the retard dial was cranked up to 11 when i came out of the factory, i can certainly tell you that.

not even just that, but the constant thoughts in my head telling me i said something wrong, i should of rephrased that, i should of been mute when X said that, or just outright always feeling like i should not be here. is it overthinking? is it anxiety? do i just hate people? its part of the reason i hate parties too. not only feeling that i know im gonna say some dumb shit but all the fears of what could go wrong or getting in with the wrong group of people. being in that small college town where Kaizen was at for his work i hated. putting aside the ridiculous civil engineering behind a fucking 30 degree turn on some 5 way road shit or how the town is decently sized but its 20mph EVERYWHERE, or that i have to go through speed nazi town where you go 1 over their limit of 20mph, you get fined out the ass for it…but walking around and seeing people party and smoke like its their last day on earth all the time, makes no sense. why waste your fucking life doing that? whats the point of college then? just to pay tens of thousands a year to party?

i wanted to do college for a while. had dreams of hitting MIT when i was a lot younger that then died out because i couldnt focus in middle school. sure it was a PvP enabled middle school with kids fucking and drugs being done everywhere but that doesnt excuse the fact i couldnt keep up. it wasnt a “youre too stupid to”, it was “i wanted to do what i felt was actually worth my time”. some of the math didnt make sense to me and while i got it later on, there was also then the issue of certain subjects and topics just…why? why would i sit through something im only going to do through this course and then forget about? if you’re attempting to teach a method or concept, then teach it. dont mask it behind an entire year’s course.

its the same feeling i have now with college. even the uni i was going to try i dropped because college these days is almost worthless. you’re not being given any experience, you’re expected to sit through some dumbfucks presentation on why he is right in his political agenda, and the forced community of people you have to talk to just to get started and/or stay. i dont care about the sports games, i dont care about what everyone else is doing, I am here to do my fucking class work, get my credits, and get the fuck out. we’ve stretched this small chunk of something that is easy to learn such as introduction to programming, charged an outrageous amount of money for it, and said “this is a year’s long course that is required”. even if you know it, you’re still charged an arm and a leg. don’t get me wrong, self taught has its issues at times and i always like to make sure I am filling in all the holes of where i may not have followed up with additional learning, but 600$ just to take a test that says I know enough to skip this course? fuck no.

its the main reason i insist these days on just teaching myself to do everything. i dont care what it takes, it can be done. i was shown some things on how to fix my car and after some time, I can tell you how to take everything apart and put it back together. did i take a course for that? no. is it a worthless piece of knowledge? no. not only can i save money doing all that shit myself, but if i ever do have an issue where im stuck on the side of the road, i know how to resolve the situation rather then waiting on someone to rescue my ass and do it for me. that same logic can be applied to everything else.

maybe its just how everything is these days. we’ve tried our hardest to accommodate the most retarded of people in an effort to make a quick buck on them. we told them that its not worth it to do this and that the other way is much better. just throw money at it and you’ll be fine.

i think this rant is over for now, i went all over the place with this. i have no idea what my end goal was with that.

do better. go teach yourself something new and dont give up. doesnt matter what it is, just go do it and go balls deep with it.