well, it seems that this has passed. this whole thing with being obsessed over having her back, as if she was going to be who she used to be.

the thing is, it seems as if it’s strengthened my attachment to deerboi. i don’t know exactly how i feel about having a family or anything and i dont want to obviously make a move that i’ll no longer be a fan of in the future…especially with a kid that’s not something you can just be like “I dont want you anymore”.

im not sure what happened or why or how or any of that. i still do miss her and who she used to be, but im back to just…”thats how it is and theres nothing more i could of done”. i dont know what made me think that it was going to suddenly change. i havent even spoken to her in a year and a chat i had the other day…she’s clearly let herself go. its sad to see and it pains me to think that there is nothing more i can do, the same mostly goes for Kaizen but i think that was a problem from the beginning.

see, deerboi is perfect. he’s got cute curly hair, an awkward smile that reminds me of how i try and seem to always look like a dipshit, he’s got an obsession with retro tech, and just overall matches up more with me then anyone i dated or thought looked cute before. to throw away such an opportunity with him is to really…throw away that “golden ticket”. he’s one in a billion, if that. we’ve both got some similar “problems” and while some might be discouraged over that, i think it only brings us together more. i know how to help him should something happen and vice versa.

im not gonna be put down for who i am, told i need to change, or be yanked around like a dog on a leash with him. many of our interests and wants and needs line up pretty well. im not gonna be told what i can and cant say, who I can and can’t be with, and most of all…i dont think he will be a problem for the furball or my friends.

theres a lot of red flags that i chose to ignore in the past. they’ve taught me well about who i really want in my life. they taught me who and where to avoid. they taught me who i really want to keep in my life. who exactly i want by my side, journey though journey, day through day, event through event…and i think he’s the one.

im tempted to go on another rant about Kaizen. The other one isnt as big of a problem as Kaizen is, but thats while i was dating her. i dont know what more that is going to do for me though, i mean I continue to rant about him 24 fuckin 7 sometimes but for the most part, i forget about him. it seems the only thing i really remember about us is the problems i had with him or the fucking. i really wish i could erase every bit of him through my mind. her too. but maybe theres a reason this is happening that im not aware of. maybe its some sort of way to strengthen how i feel about deerboi and all.

i just know at this point, while things are still up in the air about all sorts of stuff, i despise Kaizen. I laugh at what she has become…as much as it does pain me to see both of them in this state, they wanted to make their bed. they’re going to lie in it now and probably end up making themselves suffer for it. im no big time bastard or anything, but i know i’ll be better then them, should that really matter. i know i’ll be successful if i continue to push, if i build and tinker and do better, learn more.

and as much as this really wont happen, if i get a call from either of them for some shit like they need help or whatever, i can laugh at them as they continued to basically laugh at me. I was never good enough for Kaizen according to him. he never said it directly but I dont think “I dont want anyone with problems” isnt exactly a stretch from that either. she on the other hand continues to dig herself a hole in this gross liberalism thought process. both of them are problematic at this point and i dont care what happens.

i know just to keep on pushing in what i believe in and forget about them. hopefully soon i can get deerboi in my arms…