well im not sure what to do anymore besides just try to force myself to go full lone wolf. as cringe as that is.

i made the mistake of asking deerboi about a relationship and what he thought. he said he didnt want to commit to anyone and vice versa because he wanted to do his furcon dream thing and go to a gangbang party and all that other stuff.

and i havent spoken to him since.

that was sunday. and im not really upset with him. he told me that was his plan before and that he was i guess…”dedicated” to it. it fucking hurts, absolutely. something about the thought of him taking dicks from a bunch of other dudes just sends me through the fucking roof in stress and hatred. now while i thought about the same thing with Kaizen, it is more likely to happen with deerboi.

im just so fucking tired of this. i know im similar but im trying to do better. i retrained part of me to stop this depravity and commit to one person and for a while, thinking purely about him and us actually felt better and was “satisfactory” when it came down to doing the dirty deed single player. i dont really care for porn, yiff, all that other shit. i want sex with my partner and only my partner. i can’t stand it from this whole fwb shit and all.

and now deerboi’s parents are pressuring him to do college…which is making things even worse. it’s not worth it, he can do a lot better without it. but he’s pretty committed it seems to doing whatever his parents need him to do or want him to do. and thats fine and okay. i just need to stay out of people’s lives at this point. thats really what it comes down to.

ive shut down most of my “systems”, arousal, interest, all that is just about disconnected. i dont feel a damn thing again and im realizing why i did that in the first place. hearing nothing and feeling nothing related to the pain of what i can only explain by being hit in the stomach with all the force but that force taking its sweet time so you feel every part of it.

ive ditched my telegram. i can’t seem to log back in anyway, probably for the better. im not happy. im having to suppress myself from breaking down in front of people again. im nearing wanting to send whatever im holding through the wall because other little things are pissing me off too.

im disgusted that i was like that and i would want to push forward to do better. i dont care if i die alone at this point. i cant be roaming the town trying to wander as if im finding my soul again. i cant be wasting time just keeping myself together and all this other shit.

i just…i really hate everything right now and while it is all going well, new place, new things, all this stuff…something i eagerly looked forward to i basically lied to myself about. i told myself its gonna be okay and i just have to fix him and help him.

i dont want to say i need to stop fixing people. it doesnt feel right. but it also doesnt feel right to shelter people from natural fucking life choices.

fighting with myself again too, nice.

time to go to bed and erase my memory again, because im getting better at that too.