it’s about 1 am now. i woke up overheating and unable to fall back asleep maybe an hour after i actually went to bed.

i said my peace to deerboi before i did. since ive now deleted my telegram i sent it over discord. basically explained he’s beautiful and amazing but im not going to accept what he wants if we were to be a thing and hes welcome to do it without me. im not sure if its some sort of trauma thing or maybe im just retarded as shit but whatever it is, its hitting hard now. its like a processing delay when it comes to serious matters such as this.

i cant even get aroused at this point. everything fucking hurts and it feels like i was just trying to serve myself a lie for the longest time. i just appear to be unlovable and asking for too much i guess. i dont understand why its so fucking hard to just ask to be exclusive until we talk about stuff in the future if we both decide to “spice things up”. although at this point i dont think its gonna go well. especially since im highly protective of my partner, whoever that is in the moment.

i think im now worse then what i was before. its not just that i appear to have fucked up twice, but that it seems impossible to find someone within what i wish to see in a partner. it doesnt seem unreasonable, its not like im asking for fucking kim kardashian. i just…fuck. god fucking damn it.

i dont know what im going to do. getting close to someone new is not happening anytime soon, that’s for sure. i dont care if its friends or if they want to be partners. this pain is getting worse and i dont want to be that person that “settles down” at the age of 23 after having some 200 ex-boyfriends, let alone that or plus more that i’ve fucked.

ive improved myself since the breakup and all with Kaizen. i know that much. it needs to continue, whether or not i have someone by my side. i just don’t know how much more i can take before i fucking snap. even then, each time i do it seems to be very “silent”. i just forget everything, go into this autopilot like state, a complete disconnect from my emotions, and continue moving forward until its safe for me to expose who i am again.

im just glad i havent made any super regrettable decisions…i just wish deerboi would see my mistakes and understand theres a very good chance that’s probably not what he actually wants…