alright well, things are slowly coming back online. god i fucking hate trying to spin up a cluster from scratch for kubernetes. its like trying to balance on a string, one wrong character, one wrong setting definition and your cluster combusts into flames.

anyways, my own stability has gone down into the shitter. emotions are back to nothing, and if anything does come up, it seems to be rather violent and sudden. i kept pushing on deerboi and kept trying to almost force myself upon him, which wasn’t right. he voiced he’s not interested and i had to snap myself out of it. i couldn’t just continue as if nothing happened. that’s not right, and im not trying to find a partner that i have to force to like me…just weird…

i slowly just went back into my usual state before. strangely enough, doesn’t feel much different then when i was with Kaizen. makes me think how long it’s been since i’ve actually had real love. i know what kaizen and i had wasn’t going to last. towards the end, it was all just me realizing how much of a problem he was going to be. i really don’t think its safe at any point anymore to try and begin opening up or dating or any of that jazz. yes, two different things, i dont see my S/O as a therapist but more someone that i can take care of and vice versa on top of being a best friend. i don’t want it to be someone who i can’t tell my problems to and i want to make sure they’re safe to do the same with me. we’re two equal people in a journey together.

all that shit i can toss anyways. it’s not going to matter and i shouldnt focus on it. this…thing, whatever it is, continues to put more stress on me even through it doesn’t need to be. day and night it becomes this thought in my head. even last night i had dreamed that deerboi said yes to me…during something else…its best that i forget that. but it’s something with how i process this shit that it’s as if i continue to mock myself. showing what i could of had if i had done something correct. if i had just kept my mouth shut.

i don’t know. its like im going crazy. on the bright side, i’ve had little to no interest to do anything sexual, i seem to just be starved of love. i don’t want sex, i just want to be held. i want someone to love and take care of and cherish while they join me in this life.

or maybe im just too fuckin retarded. i really don’t know. brain is currently not working.