i fucking did it again.

i went out and thought it was going to be fine for a “quick fuck” from someone.

and best of all, its the same gender! so what does this mean? i’ve now fucked up a relationship within me…that whole binding thing…on both fucking sides!

god i don’t fucking know how why or what…how i thought this was okay, why i did it…or what the fuck i was thinking. it fucking hurts! not that ive added to my body count or anything…but more that im just destroying any sort of fucking future i have with anyone for that matter. how many days ago was it i had a dream about marrying deerboi? and i pull this fucking shit?!

what doesn’t help…or maybe it does and i can weaponize it more against myself to stop myself from doing this…but there’s this thing in me. i don’t know how to explain it and im sure there’s some psycology term for it or something…but when i was dating her, i had this thing where i was only aroused and attracted to her. you could show me NSFW content, you could try and turn me on, whatever…but if it wasn’t her doing that or her photos, then good luck because nothing was happening.

that still mostly existed with Kaizen. i admit, i fucked up a few times. but each time i did so, i threw myself into this deep hatred. more then i already had for myself at the time. really i just think its this victim thing at this point, boohoo me im getting flak because of the consequences of my own actions, but now its come back in full swing. i’ve experienced on both ends of male/female that i can’t get that same connection i used to have. that same feeling, over just a quick fuck or whatever. i know that’s what im chasing. i want that same fucking feeling i had, even with fucking Kaizen and it wasnt as…well…”strong”?

but anyways, driving out of there i immediate started doing that zoning out into autopilot thing. i can do it while i drive and ive been able to avoid road incidents while doing so, but i finally stopped doing it about a year and a half ago. i would be on this whole autopilot thing and zone out into my own realm trying to just rewatch the same shit that hurt me over and over…and i could go the entire day doing so. i couldn’t tell you what i did that day but i can tell you just how much it fucking hurt.

and now, im going to force myself to sit here and just go through all that shit i have with deerboi now. not only did i make that mistake of getting too close to someone again, but i forced myself upon him, i have nothing to show that im good for him, and on top of that just look at this mess i made with Kaizen and tried to make about myself! huzzah, another fucking thing i made about me. did kaizen kick my dog into the wall trying to get him off the bed because he wanted to screw? sure yeah. was it my fault that we were off and on like 5 fucking times?! yes it fucking was. is it my goddamned fault i lost him and burned that bridge, effectively becoming some crackhead to him? absolutely.

and now look what i choose to do. i can’t stand therapy so i hold it in. i have no one to go to. i can’t trust anyone to go to because i know im fucked. it’s my fault. its my problem. i need to worry about it and stop going to people expecting them to fix my goddamned fucking problems. i dont know what the fuck to do with myself anymore.

this whole security thing about my partners i think is starting to come back in full swing. a lot of it is. one of the thoughts that i had before hitting the freeway was about each time i had a sexual thought, i need to punish myself for it. stop myself from ever making a move. and no, im not just talking about something wimpy like “hey let me flick this rubber band against my wrist to make me think of my ex i still have feelings for; but instead of us in a relationship its him getting fucked by other people while im on the verge of blowing my fucking brains out but i have to suffer”, its more of “you can either quit this shit about trying to fuck random people or we can experience what it’s like to bleed again”.

god i really need to be thrown into a mental institution i swear to god.

everything is absolutely fucked with me. even right now i know my body is probably trying to go into panic mode, and that’s if i didnt catch an STD tonight. really, that would be the ultimate “you aren’t having sex and you are getting punished by going in the forever box soon”. maybe that might just fix things. stop me from fucking up more people’s lives. really though, what did i contribute to Kaizen’s life? he’s now off worse. same goes for her.

i will admit, my father and my little brother definitely help. they really do and i appreciate and try to hold every moment with them close to my heart, and that might just be one of the few things tonight that is the reason why i won’t be wrapping my car around a tree.

i shouldn’t be allowed around people. i shouldn’t be allowed to do most things. i need to stick back to my regular day-to-day life of being a drone. get up, work, go to bed, repeat. don’t think, don’t speak unless spoken to, don’t feel, don’t eat unless you need (not because you’re sad and pissed off, which im suprised im not fat), and just keep to yourself.

i guess we see where tomorrow leads me. i really fucked up today.

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