things have been relatively stable. I have mostly been working at the main job, putting server work to the side as its driving me insane.

something this evening although has me in a curious frenzy. I heard a close friend is still keeping tabs on Kaizen…and he’s not doing well. It’s a restart of her all over again. Hes using social media more, hes changing his outfit to something that was never him, and he’s acting different.

With Kaizen, he was never fond of social media and rightfully so. Never used snapchat, Instagram, any of that. I think the only times I’ve seen him use things outside of signal and telegram are when I sold those machines to him and when I saw him messaging people in his college group. Its as if hes getting worse by the day…

I have to tell myself not to process this. I don’t care for him. I hate what he’s become. But yet, I used to love him to death. I wanted nothing more then a cabin in the woods with lots of dogs with him. And yet, all that now remains is a shell of what he once used to be. To watch two people now slowly destroy themselves because they’re pressured by outside forces to become another drone…hurts. it hurts a lot.

I think a lot about should society fall. Should we as citizens of this planet lose all that we’ve created and governed for years, what would I do?

Sometimes its find a bunker and hope people you love come to find you someday.

Sometimes it’s go on the hunt for those you loved and show them what they should of done to improve themselves

And sometimes…its just take the easy way out. There’s nothing left anymore.

I don’t care for Kaizen. I don’t care for her. And I tell myself every day I wouldn’t shed a tear for either of them anymore…but yet the deep rooted relationship I had with both of them still appears to reside in me. As if its something telling me there’s a chance.

But there never is.

I’ve waited years for her to come home. For her to wake up and change. But it never occurs. There are never any better changes I see in those two. I hope every day that things get better for them and maybe they’ll come to me.

Or maybe I’m really the problem behind this all.

Maybe I’ve done something. Said something. Something that has caused them to turn for the worst. Or maybe I’m delusional and try to play this hero complex.

And maybe in the end…I was really never meant to love. This just happens to be how I’m told. Not that I am told person to person. Not that I can calculate it. But that I am now stuck with what feels like a permanent pain to watch those I love lose who they really were.

Its a couple days now that I’ve been watching deerbois Twitter feed too. And that whole predicament comes down to the same thing. I want to save him. I want to show him better. Yet these thoughts of what he could become scare me.

And no matter how hard I push…the end result is to run.