well, today has been…moot. very little has occurred today and that’s just the way i like it. treat this day as any other. i dont care for the attention, the gifts (grateful to have but i see it more as a burden on others who think i expect anything more), and whatever else is usually with these events.

i don’t want to “unreveal” myself, as easy as im sure that is to do, but this one is also big for most people. it being my 21st, this is usually the time people seem to love to get drunk, go bar hopping, and all that. and i will say, i am excited for bar hopping, but not for the reasons most people like.

see, there are some really beautifully designed social spaces. bars (depending where you go obviously) have really nice lighting, some interesting designs for the drink wall, things like that. i dont really care all that much for interior design, but the right mood and lighting is like a trance for me. i love looking at colorful walls of light, neon signs in the roads, and the warm glimmer of overhead road lights.

it seems that some other items are fluctuating as well internally. yesterday i went out with some family more to have fun and give them memories to enjoy, but i had a strange occurrence happen. every so often i seem to recall certain parts of the old relationship me and her had. i dont care for her, i haven’t felt that love that i was hanging onto for so long anytime recently, and i havent sent a message to her in over a year, if not two.

however, a couple times recently now i have seemed to recall random scents, feelings, and memories linked to these senses. it sounds weird but this kind of shit is usually what gets my mind going. its where i begin thinking like crazy and is what probably contributes to part of my obsession with retro shit. old hotels and buildings, retro phones and tech, all sorts of stuff. but thats a talk for another day.

my point being with that is that these senses are reigniting memories i completely forgot about. the nights i laid on her chest, the memories i had with her laughing and having a good time. the…strange er…dynamic we had. i would of laid down my life for her during that relationship but she most definitely was more dominant. as the kids say, it was a “dommy mommy” dynamic. weird, i know…i have yet to understand that whole shit myself.

but nevertheless, the memories and feelings i had during that time seemed to be something that brought warmth within my heart. in a strange way, it still gave me hope to find someone one day. and i wouldn’t really say either that i am one or another, but more that im open to whatever – as long as its a no bullshit relationship and we’re compatible. i don’t care all that much for looks in someone, as long as you keep care of yourself (that includes regular exercise, not eating 5 McDoubles on the couch at 9 in the morning to help you wake up or whatever) but i am very much more focused on one’s personality.

someone who can be caring, protective, loving both physically and emotionally, and we both contribute to each other. i don’t want it to be a one sided relationship and i’m trying to do better about that because i know for certain, as much as it feels like im doing better, im certainly not ready for someone. i want to ensure that through my low times, should i find someone, that i can also pick myself up with the help of them (not only from them), and be able to help pick them up on their dark days as well.

there’s a lot that goes into what i see in someone. sometimes i throw a few of those away hoping that i can either help fix or improve them, or because i think it will work. i know i wont find someone perfect – no one is. if i do find someone who needs help but we’re interested in each other, then ill do what i can to contribute to them being better.

the other thing i want to touch on in this note as well is the sexual interaction and metrics there. im seeing improvement with the increase in happiness and peace within myself – encouraging and supporting my claim in which a lot of these kinks and fetishes i do have are mostly ignited and pushed as a result of loneliness and struggles/trauma/problems/etc. i dont have a want or “feeling of need” to go into a gay orgy, the sex clubs are repulsive a lot more, and overall i dont have this feeling of screwing like its my last day on this planet.

which is good and bad. its good that this supports it because if i can craft some sort of way or method of thinking to reduce and prevent me from falling lower, i can stop these mistakes and problems i was causing myself entirely. i wont have an inch of want to go to a club or get dicked or whatever. the bad part…or more sad side of things…is that if this can be said for many others, i.e. this is a part of the human wiring within the brain, this means that far too many people out there in the world struggle each day with similar things. feeling unwanted, unneeded, failure, all sorts of things…and they’re stuck in this loop of finding a short term solution for something that’s existed long term.

i can say at least somewhat that i know it can be shown in some people. deerboi has exhibited a couple situations and has told me stuff to point a bit to that. i love him, i know i do, and i certainly feel attraction still to him despite my overall mood changing for the better, its just now less problematic. i’ll explain in a bit but – how do i show and help him? i dont care whether or not we stay together, im coming to terms that i may never be his someday, but i still want to do good in this world. not only that (and i mean this in no bad way), but if there’s a method to helping him see the light and better side of things, how do i do that for hundreds of others out there? in a way, it’s solving a rubiks cube to crack the walls. the figurative walls built up within people because they think they’re not worth it. part of it i do believe is confidence, but i dont think thats the “cause”. it just happens to result in low confidence.

now in regards to the problematic emotions towards him – i felt more lust towards him before. i was trying to break it and think better about him outside of just sex, but for some reason i couldn’t do it for the life of me. it’s like that didn’t exist. the emotions i felt towards him were attraction – littered with others more like lust, possessiveness (in a bad way…?), and as if i treated him more like a sex toy then an actual person. i know that’s not me and i wouldn’t ever knowingly treat him that way but now that ive (somehow) improved my overall mood, i can actually think more on all that i would want us to do. from dinner dates to traveling to staying in and cuddled in the blankets watching a film…it opens my eyes a bit more to what a relationship should truly be.

now wrapping up things in my mind, i need to keep some of this in mind. A) how do I lock in this overall feeling and emotion? this should be a baseline, don’t go lower unless something bad occurs, find an avenue forward. B) sex is not equal to feeling love, rather love should prompt sex if this is something respected between the two of us (as S/Os). at no point should my want for sex spiral out of control. C) the relationships that happened in the past are done and those who have chosen for worst are on their own. that is unfortunately their choice through them saying they wish to no longer be a part of said relationship. as much as i want to help them do better, that’s no longer my problem. they may need to go down a similar path of mine and fall on their ass as I did to realize that’s not the way.

and too…something still attracts me to deerboi…something tells me we could be something successful, but is that true love or am I just getting rid of whatever else I have tried to hold on to?

maybe it’ll take a flight down there…or maybe we’ll have a tradeshow nearby at work. i at least just want that chance to be on a date…someday. or maybe i’ll need to let go. i dont know just yet…