I lie awake in the middle of the night here, wondering so many things. How do I continue to keep this job if I am not doing it properly? How do I handle this situation in front of me with two close friends?

And yet, here i am with some of these answers, asking as if I don’t have them. I continue to tell myself to stop asking for help because I have the answers I need, not the ones I want. I don’t want things to fall apart, I don’t want to end back up at square one. I want to succeed and grow and have those close to me do the same.

I don’t intend for this to be cocky or whatever but as we’ve built this community home (figuratively), I knew I would be taking on most of the bills and I accepted that considering I use the most. We all pay equal rent, I pay the power, gas, and internet. Power is about 200, given that the rack alone idles at 1100W, theres no reason not to have me be paying the full thing. Gas is about 100 and sure, the others cook a lot but who’s in the shower wasting their life away feeling sorry for themselves?

I want to grow as a person but many of these days I’m reminded with how much I seem to fail that its hard to keep going. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing on repeat expecting different results. If we take a look at my past relationships, they end in the same way. If we look at my previous work mistakes, most if not all were due to laziness and lack of detail. If we take a look at the mistakes of my personal work, once again I applied quick patches and not a full fix because I was lazy.

And yet, I lie awake in these dark nights expecting a savior to rescue me. To tell me that this isn’t how human life is meant to be. It should be fuller and that I’m doing this one thing wrong and it’ll fix everything if I just fix that tiny issue. For one to expect something else or someone else to fix their problems…is laziness.

So the only way I can see this going is just moving forward and hoping for the best. Dont bother processing emotions.

I find it odd too that my dreams are getting more out of control. This last one…was about those damn parlors and I went in thinking it was just something simple, only to have this strangely cute and small Asian miss riding my face…those usually aren’t my kind of dreams…or even fantasies. Wouldn’t be the first either…I still recall the other dream about pimping myself out at a massage parlor and getting dicked. I think there’s something more here thats being hidden…potentially some trauma or oddities. I’d hope I’m just not some sick freak…