It appears I’m once again getting that need for sex again…but it feels…empty. I keep getting these thoughts of going to those prostitutes or how ill be in that city soon to head to one of those gay clubs.

I truly don’t want that. I want a loving relationship and a wonderful partner and a bright future. With the emptiness of the feelings of sex, it seems to be easier to say no in a way. Yet, so many fantasies to be explored…but I want to do them with my future partner…but what if I never have a partner…but what if instead I push harder to get a partner who will love me for who I am and encourage and help me do better?

I really don’t trust myself there…it’ll be a test for certain but even then, this city im heading to is so fucking unsettling. Bright lights, fancy buildings, glorious monuments of human invention and innovation…yet the hub to all underground garbage. Outside of that city, you’re left with mostly run down buildings and drug dens. Its not to put down those people who live there…but rather how we’ve fallen as a species. You could ask anyone what happens in that city and you’ll get the same answer. Yet we do nothing about it…

It keeps me paranoid, anxious, and stressed. Im no high profile target…keep your head down, mind your own business, and do as you need…but anything could happen. And thats why I believe in keeping my head on a swivel at all times. I’m not always looking outside my windows for the next threat, but especially in a place you don’t know…you could end up six feet under if you’re not careful.

I hate it, I really do. But if I’m going to proceed to help pioneer a brighter future, I should learn how these big cities operate. Learn behaviors and blend with the crowd. Learn how to control myself, even in the face of temptation.

And most of all…learn to not be a pussy.