it seems things have played out for the better so far. my interest in deerboi remains, however, its not a needy feeling anymore. its this “mundane” steady warm cozy feeling. its amazing…it doesnt cause me problems but seems to help me continue to stay on the right track. even thoughts about that sex club to the city im going to soon now feeling constantly disgusting. theres no question or thought of “what if i do this once and try it”.

I know it probably wont go anywhere. as much as id love nothing more then to wake up to him each and every day, it just doesnt seem like its in the cards for me. yet, i seem to still remain positive “just in case”. the bad thoughts putting me down are wiped away and any remainder of them seem to be taken care of quickly. Its just now constant thoughts of what if we met irl, how would things go, sushi date nights, screwing around with each other, going on long car trips to see scenery and such, showing him the place ive been raised, listening to him talk all night long about his interests in retro tech and electronic engineering, looking into his eyes and feeling that serenity…that feeling like all will be okay.

im at peace once more…and it doesnt feel temporary. Im not wasting my energy putting myself down and losing my shit because i may never be his. Im not thinking about her or Kaizen. Im not thinking constantly about sex and gross fetishes. Im thinking about the future, moving forward, and ensuring whoever i may have as a partner…lives well and comfortable with me.