fuses popped, things broken, and now…everything feels…lost.

I ended up going to one of the sex clubs in Las Vegas. Something about that city was…im not even really sure. It called for me in a way. It called for me to do lustful things. Things i would normally despise. I tried to hold myself together the first night. I eventually said i had enough and went to bed. The second night though…after midnight, i told myself i need to head to bed. I was running on 3.5 hours of sleep at the very most.

I went up to my room, cleaned up, and was preparing to sleep. Or so i thought. I kept looking at it on GMaps. It was as if it was an Amazon listing I was waiting to go down in price. But i remember very vividly…that feeling of sorts in which i just stopped thinking. As if I was possessed. I just immeditely got up, memorized the address, and called for a cab to take me there.

Next thing i knew, i was in the club taking a shower naked in front of another guy. I already felt absolutely horrible. I dried off, and looked around. Everything in my head was calling for me to get the fuck out of there. Go home. Go before i make another mistake. Or really…before I ruin more things. I wouldnt call them mistakes but im not sure of the wording that would fit.

I found myself naked, on my knees, right in front of a gloryhole. I went right for it for the first guy and my heart was racing. Then the second. Partway through the second guy, i had climaxed and all those alarm bells…got to me. It gave me that clarity again and it was like a clone of myself smacked me across the face and told me to gtfo. My breathing started being abnormal, as if i was panicing. As if i just woke up and suddently found myself in there. And then i couldnt call a cab back…not without a phone and a phone i did not have. Ended up breaking it like a dumbass.

So i took a mile and a half walk at night back to my hotel room. Every second of that walk was a constant search to make sure i dont get stabbed, shot, or mugged…but yet i asked myself that entire walk…why am I alive? Why dont I end it all now? Why do I care so much about staying on this planet? Ive made another mistake and ruined myself further. At this point im really just a druggie. I kept seeing myself sitting on the streets of Las Vegas just doing meth. Nothing to live for, no one to see, just rotting on the sidewalk. It scared the shit out of me.

And since then…ive had these emotions as if its all over. Not suicidal…but as if theres no going back. That im going to end up homeless and a druggie no matter what i do. I can try as hard as I want but its like destiny. And yet, i still try to push. Even tonight…im back chugging energy drinks and trying to get my ass in gear. Trying to do more at work and more for my startup.

And i still ask myself…do I dare even try to be deerbois partner? Do i dare try to be anyones anymore? Ive had this fucking bender since of just wanting to fuck and be fucked constantly. Its gotten so bad and so carried away that ive even told deerboi that for some reason…being pimped out by him is turning me on. Whatever happened in that club…broke something within me. I dont like it one bit and i want to stop. I want to run away. I want to stop being gay and just be normal. Go do what everyone else does, stay with what ive got, and hope i can find a female partner that can actually love me for who i am.

And while i wouldnt mind any partner for that matter as long as its a loving and equal relationship…i just…it doesnt feel like me. But at this point…who am I truly? What have I become this far? Have I grown or have I simply tried to mask all my problems?

I dont think I can go back to that wretched city…and yet, I crave another moment back there acting like a whore.

I just want to delete that entire sex-related part of me. Im done with it. I cant be trusted with it…