theres so much going on now im not sure if im processing anything at all anymore. so many issues, so many problems, all that im bringing upon myself. and i keep telling myself to be strong for deerboi. be the help he needs, do what i can to pull him out of whatever could be bringing him down…

it worries me…no it flat out scares me to think of what he could do…hes done it in the past before almost and the last thing i want is that call…that message that no one wishes they would receive. i hope the best for him and hes so damn talented, yet he doesnt see it.

and even now, i second guess myself…so i cant fault him for those feelings. I know most of what hes felt…the self doubt, the anger of having what i can only describe as both a sex and porn addiction, and so much more.

and yet here i am destroying myself. i cant even process emotions anymore. theres almost nothing left and it feels like i cant turn back ever. im once again destined to fail. im not sure where im gonna be in 10 years…

…but i still know what i want. and thats to be in a home of ours with deerboi. an amazing home of ours wherever we choose, with our photos hung on the wall, cuddling each other each night…