i am beginning to understand that this may be related to Kaizen…again. all of it. im missing that emotion and as a result, im trying to find it again. im trying to get my hands on it as quick as possible.

i want to help people. i want to help those who have been persuaded into something horrible…but maybe im thinking too positive. after all, if they’re already on that platform, they’re probably very aware of everything else and too far gone. but yet, here I am. but also im sure im one in a million…and not in a good way…right? so many questions to be asked.

i dunno what i want to do. i dont trust myself to meet up with this guy if all goes well and to try and persuade him into being better because i know my horny ass is going to want to fuck. and yet, here i am convincing myself to try and get his attention again.

and yet, here i am craving that same feeling in that club too…

there are nights i really hate myself. i hate what ive become and i feel lost…its been that way for at least a week now…im not sure what to do or if i should try to force myself into being something i dont think i am…