i continue to be on and off with that platform…i dont want other younger folk around my age brand new into the dating scene to think its okay to just abandon love. to just abandon any hope at having a signifigant other in a relationship with the proper balance…sure it takes time and effort and believe me…I hate to go dating and all just to not link uo properly with someone and leave them hopeless, but i think its something everyone deserves. i think true love is possible with anyone and everyone, the problem these days is no one sees it. no one thinks to themselves that casual sex and this constant look to fill the hole in your heart is really just you wanting someone to love and rely on.

now im no psycologist, so this comes from my own experience and views, but its something i continue to grow and understand more about. its an addiction. an addiction to fill that gap and a constant loop. see, when i snap out of it, i focus 100% on deerboi. i have no desire to see anyone else, to think about anyone else, and the sex clubs bring geniune disgust to just think about. yet, something evil finds a vulnrability in me. i hate that ive done so many disgusting acts. all the parlors ive visited, all the guys ive screwed…I dont deserve a loving soul. but ill be damned if i give up on deerboi to provide him a better opprotunity and show him the light. i just have to find a way to patch these holes. stop whatever it is convincing me i need to go find a new guy to screw or whatever.

i cant exactly describe the feeling but i know its the same each time. its as if my true self disconnects from my body to only watch. a read-only VNC connection. especially these last few interactions…its a complete override. in that Vegas hotel, i kept telling myself dont do it. do not go down that path again, no matter what happens. then, *click* just like that all the thoughts stopped. all the tension and fears escaped me. i immeditely got up, went out, got in a cab, and next thing i knew i was naked in the showers. i kept trying to pull myself back, to gtfo, and all i could think was “im already here, dont make them think youre weird, get in there and do what your fantasies desire.”. I know its wrong. I know i dont truly want any of that…and yet, i continued. and it wasnt until after climax that i “woke up”. I snapped out of it and got the hell out of there. and that entire walk back i felt disgusting.

but since then, its as if its rooted deeper in me. the thoughts stop and autopilot kicks in. all i can think of as a solution is to just never travel and go live in the middle of nowhere. I cant trust myself, why should I allow myself out in the world?

its also a big reason why for a few years i thought i should just incorporate hormone blockers or something to just cease my sex drive. but yet – thats another vulnrability they get you on. get on those blockers, change yourself and how you think, and potentially permanantly damage your body. i couldnt get myself to even take drugs for that exact fear of how it could change how i think and act outside of sex. I know i talked about it with Kaizen and he was supportive of it either way…when he really shouldnt have been.

tonight is sunday. my drive to create and work is getting bigger and bigger. I want to cease any opprotunity i have to get paasive income and start building a better future. for myself, for those I love, for potentially deerboi and I, and most importantly – to change the evils that are upon this world.

i dont agree with any of these sexual…items…persay in this world. brothels, prostitution, “bathhouses”, all of it…needs to be removed. I think theres a lot adding up to the failures of our soceity today and its not to say outlaw sex all together, but it needs to be reigned in. no need for overtly sexual ads on TV, opprotunities for innocent eyes to see such actions, or anything similar. and thats both sides – parents and i guess…business owners? not sure how to classify the other side in one word but: advertisers, TV channels, internet sites, etc.

call me deranged, call me a conspiracy therorist, call me whatever, but theres a certain trend i am seeing and i dont agree with any of it.