so i wanted to make a new note for today, before going to bed, before losing anything, before taking sleep aid, all that stuffs.

i have yet to speak to deerboi again, and something tells me i probably wont hear from him again. the last message was me saying “Just don’t do any sex parties I guess lol but have fun”. but as ive said before – thats his choice. and i think i just gave up at that point and disconnected myself.

i think about it a lot if i saw that. same shit with kaizen. what would happen if i saw him on video at anthrocon at some orgy or heard about it or whatever. and i think this is the major reason as to the complete shutdown of my sex drive and love interests. its a vulnerability of mine that i use to my advantage. knowing someone that you used to love or currently love has zero interest in you, wants to be a whore, or otherwise has no respect for you is something that hits deep. its a feeling that lasts forever in my chest until i somehow end up forgetting it.

and now with me constantly chasing deerboi as if im trying to fulfill that hole in my heart once more and hopefully permanently – i’m once again met with disappointment. im just gonna put it bluntly because i dont have patience for any of this anymore – but i dont trust deerboi to refuse something like that. he’s…he’s got some situations that i know i had to go through. i cant handle it as much as i do deserve it, so another reason why i choose just to stop alltogether.

but with this all – the thing is its not constantly going through my head. its each broadcast event of something related to love or sex. “hey, we should try a dating app and find someone worth our time” > “remember last time that happened? you’re wasting your time” > a couple hours usually of bad memories and theoretical yet possible events. and the loop continues.

i dont think any of this is worth my time anymore. and thats not for me to stand on a high ground and say im better then everyone, but with my continued problems, my swapping of male/female interests, the issue of me constantly stopping the processing of my emotions, and a million other things i need to take care of in my life, its really not best. i’ll save anyone else interested in me the heartache and pain of the problems i may cause them and just continue doing better in my own life on my own.

something weird to notice though too is a little bit before this, i was switching back and forth. i had a bit of a porn addiction that i was able to reign in. instead of 5 times a day, it was winding down to 2, and now nothing for about 2.5 if not 3 days. no interest in either sex, no lust, no want for a fulfilling relationship, and i dont mean to be vulgar here but for lack of a better term – no horny. no hardon or anything. porn is repulsive, yiff is disgusting, and looking at any of it whether it is those games or the occasional nsfw shit i see is just like another media post. just every day shit to skip by.

hopefully ive refined many of these issues so that i can use them fully to my advantage – to note, previous attempts to do this were met with kind of like a burnout. i.e. the slammer situation if i recall correctly (i may be wrong, i should review my notes), i had stopped alltogether doing any self-pleasure and the want to go to a sex club boiled over to “fulfill” a need to be wanted and feel pleasure and all that other retarded shit…basically despite no self-gooning, i had fallen and was not strong enough to hold my shit together to not go to a club to get fucked.

im probably lucky for where i am at considering there’s none of those for hundreds of miles but strangely enough, my distaste and disgust for them have also been growing. it was here and there that i was having this need of sorts to just be happy with someone. i didnt need to be in a gangbang to feel good, i just wanted a partner to spend my life with forever, sex or not. just as long as we’re both happy honestly.

regardless though, keep an eye out, yada yada, and continue tracking metrics. not sure what im going to do at this point outside of just keep to myself, no dating, no sex, and make sure that whatsoever – no porn and no self-pleasure. hopefully should continue to not be hard, especially as i dont use my toys anymore. havent for 6ish months.