I think it’s beginning to hit hard…knowing that I had an s/o. that I had kaizen. Sure, he wasn’t worth it and he wasn’t a good fit for me and never saw things how I did and I always tried to stick my neck out for him and defend him and he never did much to defend me…but I dunno. Something about knowing I have no one. It hurts. Or maybe my sex drive is coming back and trying to get me to stick my dick in something again…it’s probably that.

Small power outage tonight, had to go power on the server manually since I didn’t configure recovery, but I was thinking “I should just go to a sex club party. I should go fuck a bunch of dudes who cares? Shove it in deerbois face. He wanted this after all right?” And…what the fuck. Why does this come up. Why am I thinking this way.

It continues to be the driving force to get me to stop and stay well…stopped. I don’t feel well. I really dont. Knowing that my ex could very well be with another guy, knowing that my crush is probably going to a sex party, and I seem to be the only goddamn dude on earth who wants to talk and have a relationship before considering sex. Do I rush it a bit? Yeah. I’m excited when I can have someone to confide in and someone who can rely on me. I’m in fear of losing said person for nights like these. Nights where I feel at a loss because my retarded human instinct is to breed. And when that’s not fulfilled, I have all these goddamned gross fantasies.

I was for the longest time perfectly okay with nothing more then vanilla sex between myself and my loving S/O, whoever that may be. But over the years, it’s as if being a faggot has twisted my perception and worsened me overall. It’s no longer just that. It’s 32 positions. It’s being bred and breeding. It’s having my ass played with. It’s having my feet touched. It’s this, it’s that, it’s a million fucking gross things. And honestly, the worst of it all, is that I find it exciting to be used by a bunch of guys like a sex toy. It’s gross. I’m honestly not sure where this has come from or why it resides within me. Is there some sort of false promise embedded that being with all these guys will fill that void in my heart? That they’ll comfort me at my lowest and tell me I’m worth their time? That they will listen to me bitch piss and moan about my problems because they love me?

Newsflash: they won’t. The guys at Kuma, Steamworks, Slammer, all over Grindr, these man-whores want nothing to do with who I truly am. My soul, my heart, my personality…is nothing to them. I am nothing more then a fantasy they can fulfill just as they were to me.

I have to stabilize my mind and ensure I don’t snap again. I don’t want to drop more money at a massage parlor for sex. I don’t want to go through another hookup binge. I just want someone to love that I can relate to and they can relate to me.

I don’t care who it is. I don’t care if it’s deerboi (as long as he hopefully never has any sex parties…still a fear in the back of my mind all the time…), I don’t care if it’s Kaizen (although that’s taking a lot of work…), whoever.. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard.

It’s gotta be a me problem. I know I’m full of issues…I know I’ve done plenty of wrong things…but if I’m not meant to be in a relationship, I’d like to stop craving having to fucking be loved damn it….

Fuck me and all these retarded kinks and fetishes. Let me nuke the partition and restore myself to factory settings for fucks sake…