I’m slipping again and I can’t figure out why or what. I thought I was doing so well for a while and then I slingshotted back into the bad part of me. except instead of wanting to screw guys, it just seems to be gals.

sure, maybe I’m going back to factory settings, but what scares me more is that I seem to have thoughts popping back up from whaleTooth. basically something telling me to repeat what I had been doing like a dumbass. she’s a wonderful lass and don’t get me wrong, i probably would of dated her if things went a bit different…but once again, I haven’t spoken to her in about a year, if not more. why do I think about her? and why is it always in this sex-crazed state?

the thing I keep trying to force myself to accept too is that I can’t date. not for my sake, but for others. I’m incapable of that kind of love with what I’ve done. every emotion that comes close to loving someone seems to be an excuse to use them as an emotional crutch, at least from what I’ve analyzed. when I’m doing well, it’s all about me and I’m fine with being alone. when shit goes south, my mind wanders through the love section of my memory archives, searching for anything and anyone that might actually love me back as a partner. even if I have more of a chance of winning the lottery while being struck by lightning.

and that’s the other thing too – it’s only the partner-related love. I’d lay down my life for those left in my family I trust, it’s not just me saying that but a feeling of needing to protect. I had that with spidergirl and kinda had it with Kaizen. the little left of me that wants a partner I don’t think remembers how to do that anymore. it freaks me out because I genuinely wonder if I remember what love feels like. what being held close and being able to talk and so much more…what truly is a partner if it is nothing more then a friend with benefits that you’d protect?

I’m once again taking trips north of my territory in which I reside, thinking and trying to find answers to something that I cannot solve myself. funny enough, stopped in a church parking lot in the middle of the night…as I said before with a brother, it’s as if life itself has a destiny for us, some sort of reason we live and love, but it is up to us to take whatever opportunity that may be offered to change that. for better or worse.

and at this point, I’m not sure what I should be doing. do I try again with whaleTooth? do I go on a date and hope that it ends with us being a successful couple? we share many traits related to our careers and our…furry side…yet she differs in such a way that I don’t exactly agree with the mild drugs or her past, but I’m willing to accept if she’s doing better or if I can show her better…but that must also mean I take on the task to fight my addictions. fight the urge to do random hookups thinking they’d fill the void in my heart. I should be taking that on anyway but…it feels like too much. it feels as if I’m not supposed to be the only one trying to fix this, but yet I’m the one who did this. I’m the one who made the problem, why should I have anyone else try to take care of it or help?

I don’t know. it’s all I can ever say anymore. deerboi stopped talking to me and I assume he’s just given up. I can’t get to him in such a way to give him help…and it feels like I’m seconds away from losing my job. not doing enough, management has no clue what’s going on, and choices running us into the ground. not to mention I’m missing my diploma…if I even graduated.

yet, I’m thankful for this stress because it’s giving me the fuel I need to push forward for a better future. maybe whaleTooth is supposed to come into the picture later on in my life. maybe that’s why I keep thinking about her. I just need to stay focused and motivated either way.

I think I got it all out for now…time to drive home and slam the rest of this caffeine. I’ll do my damned hardest to not become another addict on the streets…whether it’s sex or drugs…that’s for sure.