I’m going down that rabbit hole again…the same one of sex, hot gay guys, and instead of love…lust.

going on that dating app, seeing better results, and what I thought were two people that I’d actually want to get to know. things were going well. then just…poof. gone. blocked. for absolutely no reason at all.

not only that…but another platform I was using…I thought I saw deerboi. the cute cheeks, the glasses, the jet black curly hair. for a moment, I thought I was feeling love again. but it wasn’t him. I was trying to convince myself it was. I was trying to convince myself that someone came back for me…that someone loves me…that someone is okay with who I am and loves me for it.

but we all know that’s not true, or I wouldn’t continue to be here. I know I’m a problem. I have problems. I have issues in my personality and I don’t get along with most people…I go against the grain not to be a rebel, but because it gets you better results…but sometimes it’s too much and I find myself going with everyone else. just like majority of the gay guys I’ve seen out there…going for hookups, quick sex, things like that…I say I’m against it and then I do this shit, time and time again.

on the bright side, I did a transmission rebuild successfully. so to Kaizen, fuck you and fuck what you stand for. you continued to never believe in what I could do and what I chose. your dumbass couldn’t even change your tires, yet you want to tell me that I need someone certified to work on my rig? go fuck yourself.

during testing and after tonight’s events, I was driving on the freeway and thinking to myself…I need to let go of all my exes. all the memories. all my crushes. all my attempts. burn the memories, discard of whatever I have to recall about them, and never be close with folks again. I can’t risk this happening with someone else. I’m so fucking scared of being happy one day and seeing my S/O being screwed by some random guy. for the longest time, I thought that’s what I needed to do to make Kaizen happy. I thought he would still love me if I let him have sex with other people. that never happened, but…it says something. it says something to how broken I am, how I get way too close to the wrong people, and how I shouldn’t be searching for S/Os….

I haven’t felt this kind of pain in a minute. I probably shouldn’t have been getting as close as I was as fast to those people…they were nothing more then just desired hookups. and yet, the last guy who was showing me the cum on his ass from his last hookup…actually pained me to see a  bit. because for a second, I was thinking as if this was my S/O…

this hookup shit is ripping me apart… I don’t understand how people can do this…but it’s probably for the best. tear me apart so I know never to do it again…

fuck me…why have I made all these mistakes…