(unknown if I have posted this before, but backing up media. This message was to be sent to deerboi on the marked date)

I really hate to ask this of you…but when you’re available, id like to ask for help on something personal

I don’t mean to bug you or anything…

I’m going to just zip my mouth for the most part and just tell you that I’m trying not to be a whore. I don’t want to be known for having a train of guys on me. I don’t want to live with the fact I could have fucked half the town. But yet, I have all these fucking kinks and fetishes that keep trying to pull me that way.

I’m so tired of myself and what I’ve become. I try to do better. I think the only reason I’ve stopped being able to masturbate and all is because I’m so afraid of continuing and never finding anyone. I’m so afraid of dying alone or never having anyone to open up to or being able to come home to anyone. I’m not even sure if I function correctly…id definitely take care of my S/O and make sure they’re loved and all…but it just feels wrong now to imagine wanting to have sex with them. Instead of having to search for people to have a one night stand, being able to come home to someone I love and have sex and explore kinks…both seem wrong to me now. Like sex shouldnt be a thing for me anymore.

Despite knowing there’s no chance of us, I still daydream about it and I hate myself for it. I know I won’t get anywhere. I know there’s no way anyone can actually look at me and not think I’m pathetic for the actions I’ve taken. But on the bright side…it seems to just give me enough hope sometimes to keep trying to think positive. To think that one day, I can have a wonderful partner who one night will sit on my face and the next night, lay on the couch with me to watch a movie.

I continuously tell myself there’s no chance of that. That I need to let go of that, of you, of all of this shit and just man up. Stop feeling. I did it before and I just need to distance myself from everyone.

I apologize in advance if this troubles you…that fucking site I had isn’t up right now and nothing I was doing seems to be working…I hope you are doing well and I’ll see if there’s something else I can find to shut myself up…and this will probably be deleted by morning. I don’t know we will see.

Goodnight and sweet dreams…