I sit at the end of the road once more, thinking to myself what could I have done different. What could I have forced myself to do, and what could I have wained off from. I, once again, have seemed to hurt myself mentally and emotionally again, and this is beginning to be like a fucking tantrum. A child not getting his way knowing full well what to do, yet chooses not to.

I have deleted the account for dating…I knew what that platform was for and I still went in thinking that maybe I really could find something different. Not a hookup, but someone actually worth my time and someone I’d spend my life with. I’ve been talking to one lad who’s really nice, but he’s not ready and I’m not sure that we will click well the more he begins to know about me. Keep in mind this is the same platform that Deerboi went on simply to just “look at guys dicks because he likes it”.

I have also appeared to have lost a good friend. I don’t want to get into it for his privacy and security, but I don’t think he would be good with me in any fashion. There’s far better people to be attracted to and I’m not one of them. I wish him the best of luck but I can only imagine what he does feel…

And finally, this fucking corruption…this sexual deviancy of mine…is getting insane. I hate it. I hate what I’ve become. I hate who I am and how bad this has fucking become. Being attracted to other folks has brought me nothing but pain and harm. I fucked it all up with Kaizen, I tried to rescue Deerboi, and every encounter (sexual or not) has been a fucking trainwreck.

I’ve been thinking of the opportunities that remain on the table for me. If you even want to call them that…

First and probably my best one, taking the vow of no partner period. I can’t trust myself or anyone else to be close to me, so it’s better that I keep whatever remains of me and my love life and lock it away in the voids of my heart. Whatever does remain of my love life seems contaminated with sinister intentions and lustful thoughts. It’s what brought me here and I cannot let it continue.

Second, I bring myself back to Deerboi. This is semi-related to option three, but if he wants to choose to use people and all and take the route he’s going down, then I guess I’ll go with. I can just be another piece of ass for him to use and watch him screw others since I seem to be worth nothing more then that. He didn’t seem to give a single fuck about me when we were talking, it was mostly about him, but maybe I’m looking at it all wrong. I probably am, overthinking everything and trying to play the pathetic victim card. But hey, at least I’d have a partner this way…even though he’d probably be screwing half the town in the same clubs I despise…

Third, I end up shilling the little dignity I had left. Start some retarded onlyfans or NSFW twitter account, sell my nudes, maybe get up the chain and probably die young being at a sex club and catching an STD. It seems to be the same route Deerboi wants to take, hence why I say these are related, so it would probably just be a matter of if he wants to do it or not with me. If I even make this choice.

I don’t see myself partnering the way I wanted with anyone. I wanted a loving husband that we could grow old together on our property, maybe a farm house outside of town, make memories together going to all sorts of events like vacas and the state fair, go on regular dates and probably road trips, and so much more…but I can throw that all away now. They were nothing more then dreams considering how far I’ve fallen, I can’t get back to who or what I was. The societal norms in being gay seems to consitute being a whore and screwing every other guy, so why not just be the “normal” dude right?

All of this seems to be causing more problems as well, I’ve noticed my patience is thinning and I have a worse outlook in general with people…I already hated talking to others but now like with Deerboi, it’s almost just hatred period. I’m so fucking tired of being in pain, being alone, feeling all these godforsaken emotions, and repeating myself over and over. I hate feeling hope and having it stretch for months on end only for it to be completely destroyed as if it’s my first time again…

It’s probably another thing that’s going to end up affecting other parts of my life as much as I’ll try not to…we will see. At this point I’m just fucking hoping I end up in the hospital in a coma. Itll give me a fucking break for 5 goddamned seconds.