well, today has been…moot. very little has occurred today and that’s just the way i like it. treat this day as any other. i dont care for the attention, the gifts (grateful to have but i see it more as a burden on others who think i expect anything more), and whatever else is usually… Read More

just for clarification – no, nothing related to suicide is occuring. but instead, the day that apparently is chosen for my birth date. i should be happy or excited or whatever people think. but im not. i dont like the attention, i dont want it to be celebrated, i just…i want to be left alone.… Read More

today has mentally been a shit show. outside of that, i guess okay. did some stuff with friends before it was rudely interrupted. in my head though, i need to get shit under control somehow. i dont know how and that’s usually the problem. ive been pretty bad today with my porn usage, which i… Read More

I have to keep telling myself – its not sex I want, its love. It is not sex I want, it is love. I continue to think about how I could go to one of these sex clubs in the states. I could swing by outside of my scheduled time to be at my location… Read More

woke up about 4 in the morning today, was unable to fall back asleep… my mind begins to run wild without anything to do. If I am trying to fall back asleep, I need something to focus on to begin dreaming. I scan through my memories, my imagination…and the depths below of suppressed things… I… Read More

things have been relatively stable. I have mostly been working at the main job, putting server work to the side as its driving me insane. something this evening although has me in a curious frenzy. I heard a close friend is still keeping tabs on Kaizen…and he’s not doing well. It’s a restart of her… Read More

I just woke up…not in the best mood. I had a dream that mixed in with lots of other items I’ve been doing, so it was a little off…but basically it started very well. I was in a corporate building. A beautiful one with large windows, I think some Christmas decor out, a unifi network… Read More

its been some time since i came back on here. theres really not much to say other then the sexual drive is down, and it doesnt feel supressed. that and i dont really know still what i like and dont like. or if i like anyone for that matter. i dont believe it should be… Read More

i fucking did it again. i went out and thought it was going to be fine for a “quick fuck” from someone. and best of all, its the same gender! so what does this mean? i’ve now fucked up a relationship within me…that whole binding thing…on both fucking sides! god i don’t fucking know how… Read More

im not sure what it is with me as of late. sexual drive is down, which is good…but all this shit going through my mind. that i was the issue with Kaizen – the more I think about it, it seems to be the case…that I am the one digging myself into these holes. that… Read More