hello world! if you’re reading this, you’ve most likely come across my site through various areas. i do my best not to advertise it but i more provide this place as a way to show folks they’re not alone through hardships. that they can get through it as i did with many of my experiences. its something that was brought up to me – why make this site? to help others. period. it helps me get it off my chest (because surprise, I dont like talking to people about my issues) and in hopes it can also show others what not to do. do as i say, not as i do. here’s the problems X caused me, do Y instead. stay away from this, etc. now who i am…is a long story and i’ll probably revise this in the coming days, but i see myself as a problem. someone full of issues that are needing fixed but just like my projects, i cant focus on one single one. i need to bounce around in order to keep my motivation going and keep the flow smooth. i’ll just lay it out right here as to what my problems are: sex crazed – something i’ve fine tuned as time goes on, but i seem to have a serious problem with wanting sex. it’s a subconscious replacement (albeit, a failed one and should of never occurred) of the love i once had. in my stories, i go through many of the issues surrounding this and each time ive…failed. forks in the road that i made my choice on, yet freak out when i realize the consequences of my actions. thats not even to mention my sexuality (I go both ways, depending. still figuring that out…) and the weird fucking kinks. jealously/protectiveness – this is something strangely rooted at the core of me that i find both problematic but beneficial. a power in which i have not harnessed correctly. with my exes and those i loved closely, or even previous crushes (is that even a word i should be using? im not 12), i find myself with the periodic thought of them with someone else, in my same situation, or a million other things. its something that ive found has modified other attributes of who i am, luckily temporarily. for example, i was in fear for the longest time about Kaizen seeing someone new. and i’ll admit, i still am. that thought still hurts when it does come up, but it eventually became a virus in which to stop the pain – i should let my guard down and date him while he fucks other guys. this never came to fruition and never will, but i find it odd and intriguing that this is what occurred as a result of well…this thing. when i date my S/O, whoever it may be, i vow to protect them with my life and give them any opportunity to grow and make their dreams come true. it may not be much, but i try my best, which is why i think this is both a mix of jealousy and protectiveness. hardened shell – one might say, a hardened kernel 😀 (dont worry, the linux jokes and puns only get worse from here). anyways, as previously stated, i dont talk to anyone about my problems. i have very close friends, those i would call brothers. and i do have family and such, albeit not much of them left. but making the best with it all. regardless though, i dont open up. im not sure if its choice or not but i have a deeply rooted fear and paranoia of being judged and shamed for my problems (and rightfully so, i’ve done a lot of degenerate bullshit that i should be put to death for). at the same time, its my problems and telling others about them will not solve them. i find it to be a lot from time to time which i believe is one of the few trigger points that gets me to wanting to find someone to date, but once again i need to not do that and rely on someone as an emotional crutch. that’s not what an S/O is there for and its bad to use anyone for that for any matter. damage from the past – many of these things that occurred to me in the past i have gotten over. its done for and what happened, happened. but its not to say that it doesn’t change who you are and how you act. i used to be outgoing, happy, cheerful, and a 4.0 student. after some family matters, blending, divorce, and dropping those who were close to me, it changed a lot of how i think and see people. im careful about who i get close to and i dont start conversations. i keep the professional side of me out at all times unless im in a trusted area and even that is a hit and a miss. even these days it seems to get worse, either new thoughts and bad ideas pop in my head or something comes up or whatever… impatience – this is probably a bit more of a professional thing but regardless, if i dont see progress or something i need done or whatever it may be…basically if there is no solution now how i want it and no solution is being provided in time by who its assigned to – i take matters into my own hands and do it myself. its a lot of why im so into coding and all. its bit me in the ass a bit and i cannot get into the details, but regardless i dont like to waste time and resources. replay attacks – a very big problem, especially when a substantial event happened or im under heavy stress, i tend to replay bad memories and thoughts in my head until they make me numb. the thoughts about Kaizen happy with someone else, spidergirl with her own S/O, people moving on after i pass like i was nothing, it’s all thoughts that were replayed for at least a month in my head. not just as i go about things day by day, but they’d find their way into my dreams, giving me nightmares and all sorts of shit. at this point i dont recall any dreams and i’d say i dont dream, but i’ve always been told im wrong. if i am dreaming, its nothing i need or want because i dont recall it…and thats if i can even reasonably sleep with it all. overthinking – this is something once again i’d like to think ive refined a lot better. a problem here and there but it’s helped a lot if i can get it to work in my favor with for example: “I’d like to harden this system/endpoint. So if I was a blackhat, I’d see that there are vulnerabilities here, here and here. These, additionally, can be exploited this way. But wait, this also works with this game (for example).”. Bad example but I think I made my point? Idk. I still get some bad kickback from it though, through the thoughts of my S/O, or the problems i made for myself especially during the problems with my parental figures. no, its not a situation in which i became an onlyfans whore, but overthinking if one of your parents simply puts up with you is something that still sits in the back of my head, even though i know its untrue. i’ll update this later as things go on, but wanted to start this with the 2.0 update of the page and such.